Carpools can't drive themselves: Poetry on Odyssey

Carpools can't drive themselves: Poetry on Odyssey

12 things I didn't know last year
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1.

I know this boy named Oliver

he makes art

last year his brother died

we had the same birthday

that is probably something that never gets easier

like talking to pretty girls

or telling the truth

but so much

worse.


2.

When we were little

and dressed up in costumes

we were anybody we wanted

except the parents

carpools can’t drive themselves

no matter how many times

you use your three wishes

for more wishes

somebody will tell you

it doesn’t work that way.


3.

My cousins are all older than me

but that didn’t stop them from being

the smaller person

on almost every occasion

I got stuck with the Buzz Lightyear costume

no matter what the game

or how many light years away

I was.


4.

Warm leather smells like the summer

I turned 9

only when it’s warm outside

and [it’s never really] cold out

does my heart reflect the weather

like the room on the back of a spoon,

or more like my eyes

in the mirror?


5.

Did the little boy inside of you

get out to play today?

Make sure he does tomorrow

give him the wooden bow and arrow

your dad made you

for Halloween that one year

when you were sick

and never ended up going out.


6.

When I can feel the drums

in my chest and echo

in my stomach

it probably isn’t quite loud enough

have you ever drowned something

without water?

It’s easier than you would think,

you just need to be

[louder].


7.

Most pain is temporary

that’s what people will tell you

you don’t have to listen to them

put your earbuds in

sometimes

you don’t even have to plug them in.


8.

Uniforms have too many different meanings

to make them comfortable

try them on like skin

that you get to choose

pick a good one

change it out

every seven years

or when you need to

do laundry.


9.

Anish Kapoor called

he wants his mirrors back

how many people do you see when you look

at yourself

sometimes it is hard to be all of them

at once

there was a time when you were nothing at all

and there will be a time

when you will be everything

again.


10.

Michelangelo why

have you robbed the hands of each other’s

touch? Why will they never feel

the fingers that you put

just out of reach

tell me how

do you sleep at night?


11.

I watched somebody fly

too close to the sun once

luckily the air is made of hope

clouds are someone’s dreams

and the ground is made of love

so he only broke his left arm

and his idea of forever.


12.

This was made for us

she says to me, this was made for us

and no one else, but I know that is not true

because everyone was made for themselves

and most people whether they know it or not

are kings and queens of

nothing at all.

Cover Image Credit: Mira Rosenkotz

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35 Major Life Facts According To Nick Miller

"All booze is good booze, unless it's weak booze."
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Fact: If you watch "New Girl," you love Nick Miller.

You can't help it. He's an adorable, lovable mess of a man and you look forward to seeing him and his shenanigans each week. While living the infamous and incomparable life of Nick Miller, and obviously Julius Pepperwood— he has learned many valuable laws of the land. And, although Nick refuses to learn anything from anyone besides his mysterious, old Asian friend Tran, he does have a few lessons he'd like to teach us.

Here are 35 facts of life according to 'Nick Milla Nick Milla':

1. Drinking keeps you healthy.

"I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer."

2. Dinosaurs never existed.

"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it."


3. A paper bag is a bank.

"A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls."


4. Having sex is similar to delivering mail.

"I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail it's hot sex that I deliver."

5. Moonwalking is a foolproof way to get out of any awkward situation.

Jess (about Nick): "Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me. He does that sometimes."

6. Using a movie reference is also a great way.

Cece: "Come on, get up!"

Nick: "No, I don't dance. I'm from that town in "Footloose."

7. There's no reason to wash towels.

Nick: "I don’t wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?"

Schmidt: "You never wash your towel?"

Nick: "What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?"

8. Exes are meant to be avoided at all costs (especially if/unless they're Caroline)

"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon."

9. IKEA furniture is not as intimidating as it looks.

"I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes LEGOs."

10. You don't need forks if you have hands.

Jess: "That's gross. Get a fork, man."

Nick: "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!"

11. Sex has a very specific definition.


"It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut."

12. Doors are frustrating.

"I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!"

13. All booze is good booze.

"Can I get an alcohol?"

14. ...unless it's weak booze.

"Schmidt, that is melon flavored liquor! That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!"

15. Writers are like pregnant women.

Jess: "You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."

Nick: "I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel."

Jess: "Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"

Nick: "I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."

16. All bets must be honored.

"There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt."

17. Adele's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

"Adele is amazing."

18. Beyoncé is extremely trustworthy.

"I'd trust Beyoncé with my life. We be all night."

19. Fish, on the other hand, are not.


“Absolutely not. You know I don’t trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy!"

20. Bar mitzvahs are terrifying.

Schmidt: "It's a bar mitzvah!"

Nick: "I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised!"

21. ...so are blueberries.

Jess: "So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships..."

Nick: "And blueberries."

22. Take your time with difficult decisions. Don't be rash.


Jess: "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"

Nick: "You're putting me in a tough spot!"

23. Getting into shape is not easy.

"I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts."

24. We aren't meant to talk about our feelings.

"If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings."


25. We're all a little bit too hard on ourselves.

"The enemy is the inner me."

26. Freezing your underwear is a good way to cool off.


"Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you."

27. Public nudity is normal.

"Everbody has been flashed countless times."

28. Alcohol is a cure-all.


"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol."

29. Horses are aliens.

"I believe horses are from outer-space."


30. Turtles should actually be called 'shell-beavers.'

Jess: "He calls turtles 'shell-beavers."

Nick: "Well, that's what they should be called."

31. Trench coats are hot.


"This coat has clean lines and pockets that don't quit, and it has room for your hips. And, when I wear it, I feel hot to trot!"


32. Sparkles are too.

"Now, my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you've got to change that top it's terrible and you've got to throw sparkles on. Sparkles are in. SPARKLES ARE IN."

33. Introspection can lead to a deeper knowing of oneself.

"I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words."


34. It's important to live in the moment.

"I know this isn't gonna end well but the middle part is gonna be awesome."


35. Drinking makes you cooler.

Jess: "Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing."

Nick: "That's the only thing in the world I know to be true."

Cover Image Credit: Hollywood Reporter

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