I have been overweight my entire life. When I imagine people describing me, I picture them saying “You know Haley, the fat girl?” I don’t imagine people calling me the smart girl, or the pretty girl, or the talented girl, or the funny girl. Yes, I am all those things, but I feel like my size trumps them all.
Although I’ve always been overweight, I never knew I was overweight until one day in Mrs. Freeman’s second-grade class. I remember it so vividly. We were doing a unit on health and our teacher asked us if we remembered what we weighed the last time we went to the doctor.
Everyone raised their hands and after a few children shared their answers “45, 66, 50,” Mrs. Freeman called on me. My intelligent, eager to learn, friendly 7-year-old self said with no hesitation “106 pounds.” Mrs. Freeman gasped. Everyone got quiet, stared at me and one kid just said, “Wow Haley.” It was at that moment that I realized I was fat.
Even after that moment, I still didn’t fully grasp that I was different from other kids. My best friend didn’t care what I weighed, so neither did I. For years I struggled to find clothes that fit me, but I thought that was a normal part of life. As I entered middle school I hit my next fat consequence. Boyfriends. You know those “we dated for 5 days in middle school” relationships?
Yeah, I didn’t have any of those. You know those high school relationships where you give your heart and soul to someone who can’t even drive a car yet and then you break up because someone else came along? Yeah, I didn’t have any of those either.
It wasn’t until I was in about 10th grade that one day I got out of the shower and truly looked at my body. I was sitting down in a chair and realized that I took up the entire chair. That was the moment I cared that I was fat and cared if other people thought I was fat.
From that moment on, I was always concerned about my weight. I wasn’t concerned about how it would affect my health in the future, or how it put me at a higher chance of having diabetes or a heart attack by the time I was an adult. I only cared about how I looked.
When I sat in a chair I wondered if people were looking at me and my fat, and when I wore a dress I wondered if people were staring at my legs that I couldn’t cross because they were too big. In class, I worried more about how I looked to other people more than I was worried about listening to my teacher.
Fast forward four years, to my sophomore year in college (NOW), and I finally realize I want to do something about it.
I am fed up with always being concerned about what I look like and what others think I look like.
I am fed up with being worried every day if I’m going to have long term health problems.
I am fed up with not being able to wear the clothes I want to.
I am fed up with not being able to climb stairs without getting winded.
I am fed up with not thinking I’m good enough to date someone.
I am fed up with being in pain because my body isn’t supposed to accommodate this much weight.
I am fed up with being fat.
Two months ago, I discovered a program called Optavia 5 & 1. Basically, I eat five “fuelings” per day that are packed with protein and the vitamins I need, and then I eat one “lean and green” meal that consists of lean meat and plenty of vegetables. Since August 24, I have lost 30 pounds. I said goodbye to 30 tiny ghosts that haunt my everyday life.
My first huge goal is to make it under 200 pounds. Then from there, I don’t know what I want. I just know I am so excited for my future.
A big part of my program, and also what gets me through hard days, is remembering your "whys." Why did I decide to begin this journey? Why do I want to be healthier?
Recently, everyone was challenged to turn your "whys" into "I am" statements. Here are just a few of mine, they are things I know I already am: I am an athlete. I am beautiful. I am dateable. I am funny. I am smart. I am healthy. I am motivated. I am diligent. I am loved.
I am NOT fat.
