Caffeine Daydreams, Take Two.

Caffeine Daydreams, Take Two.

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2. Admiring

Simply admiring the world won't cut it, especially in our time and age, simply stepping out of your front door, sadly, isn't enough anymore, the many tests of endurance and strength that used to pile up in the back of our heads in order to make us into man and woman have been slowly replaced by participation medals and awards. Rudimentary struggles and euphoric moments simplified life back in the day, the harvest and moon festivals gave life to the hands and feet that would shorten it by working non-stop, and that was it. Vision quests were a custom belonging to the crowd of foolish wildlings as it still is today, and as it should be--not to consider myself foreign to them--And after all, we are still trapped, the pain of generations that made it by land or sea keeps on acting as the condescending chain that grounds the bold and quiets the loud, leaving them to live and die where they stand.

What do you know? After all that I've been through if I had my time again, I would do it all over. Although here's my dilemma, I'm conflicted by reasons, afraid of letting passion rob me of judgment, for I don't know whether I'd follow the same path for fear of the unknown, or for my ego, the one that leads me to believe I can do better than fate itself, and cheat chances and coincidences.

I quit trying to let my mind guide me, I'll just let it chose the best way to walk the trail my heart has chosen, my malevolent thoughts, my selfish wishes, and my frightful being have cheated me out of Eden for too long. Perhaps, traveling in search of what's right comes out as a pointless quest for answers, since the beating pulp of feelings in your chest will tell you more than enough if you learn how to listen to him.

As a wise man once said, "when it comes to crossroads I've always known what the right path was, but it was too damn hard."

As the ones that I admired have told me, "I've made mistakes, and I've been foolish, yet here I am, still working and trying."

As I'm here sitting and pretending to know what I'm saying--I've made dumb decisions and proud ones too, I've been wrong and right, and for my own sake, I've been safe.

Few things left to admire for the first time I find, am I not looking hard enough? For one I know that trying to own and change them has proven worthless. For another, I know that trying to stay and settle has proven boring. Lastly, I know that trying to find myself contempt has killed the One that I now leave to choose. So perhaps I should just head off, to work non-stop and to hope that a harvest moon will let me see, what I know to heart has proven to be worth admiring.

Cover Image Credit: Emilio Betanzo

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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I Know I'm Late, But I'm Now Obsessed With David Dobrik

"If you liked this article, please give it thumbs up and subscribe!"

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After coming home from the end of my first year of college, instead of unpacking like my parents would've loved for me to do, I turned to YouTube. I've always watched YouTube but I was never one of those teens that watched it so avidly that I would want to go to Playlist Live or VidCon.

Throughout the year, I received many recommendations to watch David Dobrik. Like most people I know, the recommendation went through one ear and out the other. Was he really worth the hype? Well, if you take a look back at the title of this article, you know the answer to that question.

One day, I decided to subscribe to David Dobrik's YouTube channel because I knew that if I saw a video created by him pop up with the rest of subscriptions, one of these days I would end up clicking on a video. That is exactly what happened. I ended up watching maybe two or three videos in total, but I didn't really become a fan. It's not like I didn't enjoy the videos I watched- because I did. I just didn't keep up with them. It wasn't until I came home from school and decided to go all in that I truly hopped on the David Dobrik-bandwagon.

Now, I truly understand what everyone was talking about. Not only is he hilarious, but his vlogs are super short (four minutes and 20 seconds to be exact). In a competition, I'd probably be named the "World's Worst Watcher" of TV shows and movies because I'm so impatient that I skip through the bad or boring parts that I don't want to watch. Contrary to this statement, I can safely say that I have only skipped through a video once only because someone was about to puke. He and his friends are always on the go, which is much more fun to watch than someone just sitting in front of the camera explaining what they are about to do instead of footage of them in action.

Most of the YouTubers I watch create lifestyle videos, like makeup tutorials, clothing hauls, vlogs of college students, etc. David Dobrik's videos are completely different from any of the others that I subscribe to. All of his videos are vlogs that show him doing the most ridiculous, yet entertaining things, whether it be buying his best friends expensive cars, paying them $100 so he can shoot them with a paintball gun, or going on spontaneous trips to Las Vegas. There's not a single moment through any of his videos that don't leave me with a smile on my face.

It's not just that his videos are short and entertaining. It's also that he seems like the sweetest and most down-to-earth human being. He cares so much about his friends so much that the focus isn't entirely on him but on them, which is something that you don't see very often.

I highly recommend that everyone watch at least one of his videos. It may be four minutes of your life that you will never get back but after watching it, you won't want them back.

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