I thought the biggest struggle I would face during my engagement would be how to figure out my dream wedding.
I had pages and pages filled with ideas — storyboards created exactly how I felt a wedding for my fiance and I would look. Even after we made the decision to bypass all that and do a destination wedding instead, I still felt stress. I kept going over what could possibly be filling me with this anxiety and uneasiness.
I felt like I was overlooking something really important. That's when I realized I never gave myself the chance to accept I was actually getting married. I never fully accepted all that would change when I became a Mrs. I think all of the things I knew would change were sitting there, waiting in the back of my mind, taunting me.
When I came to the realization I was scared to get married, I started to feel a lot of guilt.
I was annoyed with myself for having reservations. My subconscious started hitting me with all the "what ifs."
"What if" our marriage fails and our family is broken in the future.
"What if" he grows tired of me and things start to change.
"What if" my life changes in a way that doesn't make me happy once I'm a wife?
"What if" getting married isn't for me?
"What if" he isn't my soul mate?
Even saying it out loud, I feel guilt. I hated admitting I ever even questioned something like that when I was engaged to be married to a man I wholeheartedly adored.
It took me talking to a lot of other brides-to-be, to grasp the concept that:
IT WAS OK TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE. It was actually a really common fear. One that actually started making the nervousness I felt before-less and less. I started to understand that actually committing to one person for the rest of your life, changing your last name, having a family with someone was NEW, and for as long as I could remember, "newness" terrified me.
That wasn't to say I didn't enjoy the new things that came into my life once they were there, but I was always worried about them prior to that. I was always wondering what I could do to keep things as they were because "change" was difficult for me. Change scared me. Change was "unknown."
The thing is, we don't know what our marriages will be like. None of us have a crystal ball to look into and predict the future.
Some of us will get divorced, some of us will fall out of love, some of us will remarry, and some of us won't. What we have to remember, is that life is short and none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so if you have a best friend you love and want to make happy for as long as this life allows you, then go for it.
Do it.
But remember that in the process of all of that, nerves of anticipation, self-doubt, uneasiness, butterflies, happiness, daydreaming, and love are all normal things to feel.
Recently I had a conversation with someone whose wedding was in less than a week, and I asked her how she was feeling. She said, "Honestly? I'm not sure how to feel. Part of me is scared and wants to throw up, while the other part of me wants to do cartwheels... I'm not sure how to describe that."
What I've come to find out is, that "feeling" is normal, completely and utterly NORMAL.
You can be excited to marry your best friend, and scared of how the two of you will be in 20 years, at the same time.
You can look forward to your wedding day, but also want it to be over at the same time.
You're not bad for wondering if the person you're with right now is who you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life because those intrusive questions just show you're taking this seriously. By you spending time worrying, you're showing yourself and the person you're about to say "I do" to that this means something to you, and you just want everything to be perfect.
At the end of the day, I freaking love my fiancé. I'm so excited to make him my husband, and I just want the best for us both for the rest of our crazy, happy, imperfectly perfect lives together. I will never stop worrying because honestly, the guy drives me insane, but I'm confident that it's the kind of insane I'm happy to live with for the rest of my life with him.
Future brides,
Have the doubts.
Hold tight to the fear.
Question your subconscious.
Because you're allowed to.
It doesn't make you any less sure, in love, or committed. It just makes you normal.
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