I've been starting and stopping writing this since I started here at Odyssey. I've stopped writing several times during this attempt and wondered if I was ready to share the full, unedited version of what happened to me. As I write, I feel the memories begin to swirl around my head, weighing on me, choking me, trying to hold my voice back. You see, something big happened. A while ago, I was having a healthy argument with my current boyfriend and I got angry. I snapped at him and rashly said, "What would you understand about rape? Nothing because you weren't raped like me." I had never said that I was raped out loud. I was so shocked and disoriented by the suddenness of finally being able to admit what happened to me out loud, that I stopped suddenly, forgetting the fight. My mind seized and my heart sunk. I finally admitted what happened to me.

My current boyfriend is the only one who knows the full story. He was the one who had forced me to re-evaluate how things had went down and understand I was raped. He comforted me when I was too ashamed to tell my family because it was so late. I felt like they wouldn't believe me, I felt like no one would believe me. I was worried they'd judge me and say it was my fault. That somehow I had caused this to happen and I would be punished.

I remember when we met, it was a warm summer night in 2014. He seemed like a normal, nice guy. We met while he was at work and I asked him to text me when he was done by smoothly (totally not smoothly) giving him my number. He texted me the next day and we planned on having a first date after talking for a while. You have to realize he was my first everything. I had no prior dating experience. I didn't know how anything worked while dating someone and he used that against me. I can admit I was easily pressured into doing things despite me not wanting to and even saying no. I wanted to make him happy and so I told myself I didn't care when he kissed me and his hands began to wander. In the beginning, I'd grab his hand and move it back up telling him I was embarrassed and didn't want to yet but that didn't stop him from trying...and trying...and trying, until I finally caved. I remember his hands and all I could think was: "No, I don't want this. I don't like this. Isn't it supposed to feel good?" It didn't feel good because my mind was shutting down. I was shutting down and all we were at was second base. I cried that night when I drove home. I began to cry every night when I went home. I told myself I was just emotional or tired or overreacting.

The fact was, I wasn't overreacting. I was losing control within my own relationship and over my own body. I kept pushing my feelings down because I was afraid that he would break up with me. The stupid part is I didn't even love him but I stayed because I didn't want to fail. I had never been bad at something before and I have never failed. I know it sounds stupid but I was the intellectual person everyone turned to because I had the best advice. I couldn't even remember what I liked anymore, let alone give myself advice. With my own relationship, I was failing and to me that was worse than anything...or so I thought.

I remember the night so vividly. We were laying in my bed, home alone. We had tried watching a movie but I felt his hands wandering and his attention focusing on me. I told him I wanted to watch the movie and I didn't feel like fooling around. He proceeded to move his hand around despite me stilling them several times. I let out a huge sigh and turned over to face him. He asked if we could mess around, then we could go back to the movie. I agreed only because I knew he wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted. We messed around and clothes came off.

***WARNING MATURE CONTENT***

I won't get too deep into the logistics of it but lets just say his junk was out and mine was not. I wasn't in the mood so I was trying to move things along quickly. I had a rule for every time we fooled around. If my junk was out, his was in and if his was out, mine was in. A very simple rule that I felt allowed me minor control over the situation. Anyways, he went to my junk and I told him no, I didn't like that. You see, he never made me feel confident or sexy so I was embarrassed over that kind of stuff, refusing to do it. I hated him there and it was painful, probably because I didn't want him, want him. Next thing I know he's holding my wrists above my head, kissing me roughly. I feel him between my legs and am happy to know my underwear are still in place...until they are not. In one quick movement, he holds my hands down with one of his hands and the other pushes my panties down. I tell him no and he promises he won't do anything, that he won't go inside. He wanted to feel me against him. As usual, he kept asking as he was against the most delicate part of me to go in and my continued no's were ignored. Just as he had pressured me before, he was doing it again but aiming for something I valued much more, my virginity. I wish I had a happy ending where I shove him off me and tell him to get out. I wish I fought and bit and kicked. I wish when I had said no, he had listened. I wish I had known what to do. I wish I could've stopped it.

When it was over he got up, saying he had to go that it was late. I can say I felt so cold inside. I felt like I had no emotions. I assume I was in a state of shock. I got up and got dressed, walking him down stairs. When I came back inside, I stood staring at my front door, not understanding why silent tears streamed down my face. I kept telling myself it was okay, to stop crying. I told myself I wanted it, but my mind knew better. Your mind does crazy things to protect itself, like change memories and even remove emotions behind them. When I would talk about losing my virginity, it wasn't happy or sad, just empty. We broke up shortly after that. I found out not only did he rape me but he did it for no reason because he was cheating on me. I'll never understand that night and I'll never fully heal from it. Some days, I feel okay. Others, I feel like I did that night with the silent tears streaming down my face.

Everyday is a battle but I have a support system and an amazing boyfriend who takes me as I am without ever making me feel pressured. Without him, I wouldn't be able to write this article. So to whoever is reading this, if you were raped, I want you to know you are strong, you are brave, and it's not your fault. Keep fighting today, tomorrow, the next day because this life is worth living, even with all the scars and pain, it's worth every single second.

800.656.HOPE (4673)

This is the RAINN Hotline for anyone who needs someone to talk to or who has been assaulted. Please get help.

We are here for you. We stand by you. And most importantly, I believe you.