To the boy who allows me to be flawed and still accepts me for who I am. To the boy who is in my corner no matter what the situation may be. And to the boy who has in such a short time come into my life and made me know without a shadow of a doubt that I have worth, thank you.
For so long I believed I was good for one thing. I believed that my body was to be used by men as a playground and that I had to be okay with it. I believed that that was the only form of connection and love and acceptance I was going to get so I had to take it or leave it. There was no chance at this so called "true love" and that I could never really find a genuine connection with someone. So for years I just did what I thought I had to do. I went from guy to guy trying to connect, trying to desperately fill the void of loneliness. I didn't care about who, what, where or when I was getting my needs met as long as I wasn't alone and I didn't feel like complete garbage.
While I was caught up in this vicious cycle, I never really thought about my worth or what this was doing to me emotionally. I never thought what would happen one day when I did find someone and how it would affect a future relationship, until today. Here I am, removed from those days (thank god) and I'm realizing that one, I still have issues with my identify and self-worth and two, my past plays a huge role in my present relationship.
Realizing that my past identity and self-worth issues affect my current relationship was not something that I wanted to do honestly. I didn't want to admit that that part of my life was still following me into this new and exciting chapter when I was trying to start fresh. But being able to see that the way I acted and the different things I thought were because of the way I had been in my past. This helped me to effectively work on changing those thought processes and be able to move forward from the past.
Also realizing that just my past in general affects my relationship was hard to do. Having to sit down with your boyfriend and explain some of the nasty and embarrassing details of your life is not the most fun thing to do. Times that you yourself would rather forget are not fun recounting to your significant other for sure. But being vulnerable and honest with them brings so much healing and honesty into the relationships which is so great and so healthy.
But through all of this, I've come to these two points. One, I have probably the greatest man in the entire world. He is so incredibly understanding, and empathetic, and loving, and trusting, and genuine, and I could go on but it's all true. He cares for me so selflessly and so tenderheartedly that I could not think of a better man to spend my time with. I spent so much wasted time, wasted tears, and wasted emotion on guys that treated me like trash, when God knew all along that he had someone even better in store. He blessed me with someone even greater than my wildest dreams. Two, he has shown me that I am worthy of so many things. I am worthy of being loved. I am worthy of being respected. I am worthy of being honored. I am worthy of being shown forgiveness and grace. Because of the way that he has treated me I now believe these things whole heartedly.
So to the boy who cares about me so deeply and so passionately. To the boy who has forgiven my mistakes and my past. And to the boy who had taught me how to love myself just by how he loves me, I cannot thank you enough.
