It's exactly 4:40 a.m. when I'm writing this; sleep seems to be unable to find me tonight. And I'm gonna be honest... I'm feeling sad tonight (technically this morning but you get it). When I can't sleep, I tend to get very deep and philosophical with myself and right now is no different. There's a quote that my mom always tells me, and I believe it's one that her nan always told her (though I could be way off about that claim), which is "Your body is a temple, and it's the only one you get in this life. Treat it right."
Right now, that quote keeps repeating in my brain. Every time it chimes, I feel sadness settle a little bit deeper within me because I know that I haven't been treating you right at all. I don't want to use mental illness as an excuse, but more as an explanation. Body, some days (in fact, most days), it is so hard for me to take care of you. It's hard for me to brush your teeth or your hair, it's hard for me to find the strength to shower or change my clothes.
It's hard for me to go outside and give you the exercise and fresh air that you need and deserve; sometimes I'll tell you that the open window is enough. Some days it's hard for me to even get out of bed and get you food, and some days I eat way too much. Some days I forget to take my medication, throwing us straight into a vicious cycle where self-care and self-love don't exist.
I'm sorry that we were plagued with a whole slue of chemical imbalances and irregular reward systems in our brain, and I'm sorry that it makes it harder for me to take care of you. I see the amazing potential that you have to present us as this amazing and confident woman, yet I keep ruining it. Right, when we are on a high, I find a way to bring us back down to the bottom; my brain seems to like the bottom for some ludicrous reason.
For some ludicrous reason, it scares me to take care of you. It scares me to take care of you because then the outside may not match the inside; who would I be if my broken and imbalanced internal being was portrayed by a strong and confident shell? I think I'd feel like I was lying to the world.
I'm sorry that it's taking longer than we thought to balance out our weird brain's chemicals. It seems that when one thing is better, the others come crashing down. I'm struggling to find ways to help out our brain beyond the pharmacy. I'm struggling to go outside of my comfort zone to treat you right, body, and I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry that the mere thought of exercise scares me even though I know how wonderful I feel after I do it, both mentally and physically. I'm sorry that my fear of the gym makes no sense when I know how it is going to make me feel afterward. I'm sorry that I only work out like once a semester; I'm really trying to fix it.
While I am failing in many departments, I can tell you this one thing: I am fighting. Every single day, I fight with everything in me to give you something good. I fight to get out of my bed, I fight to go to class, I fight to take a shower, I fight to change my clothes. I fight to give you a nice environment to live in, I fight to feed you, every single day I am fighting in this mental war to find a way to treat you right. Some days are better than others; some days I don't win the battle. That being said, Body, I promise you that I will win this war. If there's one thing I know, it's that I love you. It's taken a lot for me to realize this, but it's true. I see your beauty and love even with every scar and stretch mark, and I see the fight and effort you're putting forth. It's one that you shouldn't have had to put forth, but here we are.
I promise you, Body, I'm trying for the sake of our own future and our family's future... I'm trying to make this right, and I'm trying to love you well.