It all gets the worst when the sun goes down and all around you becomes as dark as the inside of your being. Some days are easier than others but most days are miserable to force through. Most times you think of them the heaviness takes over your chest and you are back where you used to be, next to them but without them mentally present.
When you think too much about it, your hands ball up and you find yourself walking with fists everywhere you go. Somehow being in your own skin feels like a blinking red warning sign that somewhere, he is watching you.
As time has gone by, you have grown from a helpless child to an adult. Now that you're on your own in the world, you make the choices that may have an impact on whether or not you stay alive that night. Somehow every choice comes with a consequence and the impact of choosing which shoes to wear is now too much to handle.
You see, now that you are making your own choices, it is now your fault that you are depressed. It is now in your hands. You can no longer sit back and say that you can't move out or that you can't control who your parents are. Even though those things did happen, you are now separated from them.
So now the only one to blame is yourself.
Because of the choice you made to put yourself out there and try love once more, you caused him to belittle, abuse, and hurt you. You brought his hands to your body as they created marks of black and blue all over. When he told you to stop eating, shut up, and look prettier, you are the one that didn't listen. You ignored him.
Time went on and you were the one who made choices to not get better. You were friends with all of the wrong people. Every time someone asked you to do something, you gave into the pressure because it's just what you've wanted--acceptance.
Even when people try and show you true love and care, you are the one who pushes them away. No one else is there making you be rude to them and somehow you think it's okay.
After trying too hard, you are the one who's decided to write THE note. You are the one putting the pen to the paper of all of those letters to the people you've left behind. You are the one who paid for the means you knew you'd use to kill yourself with. No one else chose this for you.
The guilt of realizing that you've wasted the time and energy of those around you has only made you more and more depressed. Suddenly the active thoughts of death suck up your soul and suddenly you can't breathe. It's because of you that they have started becoming angry and may even give up on you soon.
At least that's what it all feels like.
Things have happened. For many years of my life, I've become used to situations that others may not understand. Though I may feel like beating myself up today, I have to make the active choice not to.
I may feel like I deserve this pain because I have made some bad choices that hurt the hell out of me. I may feel like I made men hurt me. I may feel like I am the reason why I cannot be loved.
Regardless of these feelings, day by day I am the one who must accept these things that've happened to me with radicalism.
You may want to blame yourself, but don't hurt yourself because of what others have done to you. Place the blame where it truly lies, remember your worth, and live with a mindset that love will guide the way.
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