I have been single for a long time. In fact, the most recent (and only) relationship I've been in was when I was 16 years old, leaving me with essentially no experience with dating, and although I have generally been fine with my situation in life, this recent pandemic started to turn those feelings of peace and complacency into feelings of loneliness and longing.
Before the pandemic, when life was busy, everything was fine.
I was about to begin a new phase in my life. My mind was focused on productivity, my future, and a schedule full of obligations. However, when the pandemic started, and most of the obligations fell away, I began to feel a small, tingling sense of emptiness — a longing for something more.
During the busy times in life, it is easy to view oneself as a strong independent person — someone who can live their life free from any distractions or setbacks. But in the quiet, lackadaisical days of quarantine, it is easy to let your mind wander and dream while free from the regular distractions of a busy life.
After my breakup, for the rest of high school, and for the first little bit after high school, I was perfectly content to live my life in this manner. I had no one to set me back or distract me, no one to worry or care for other than myself, and no problems or challenges to face. I was free. I was happy. I was independent and I sure did not need a boyfriend. After all, it is the 21st century and I don't need anyone other than myself to define my worth.
But as life slowed down, I noticed that I was feeling empty. I was feeling a longing for companionship.
A longing for someone to care about my problems as deeply as I did.
A longing for someone to challenge me and make me smarter.
A longing for someone to be there for me on the hard days and celebrate with me on the good ones.
Throughout the last few months, I have watched my friends build strong, happy, healthy relationships, and that has been slowly fostering a sense of jealousy and hopelessness. What better way to spend this time than to get to spend hours upon hours with someone you love?
But for someone like me, who has nothing better to do than play video games and read while the world falls apart, it can be hard to feel happy for them. It is hard to see so many people I know have a partner to rely on during these uncertain times. They have someone who is always there for them while I have dealt with my own anxiety and stress completely on my own.
I have no idea when my current relationship status will change, but I do know that, especially right now, things are hard. The current events going on in the world are taking an emotional toll on us all, but being alone while everyone else around me seems happy is making it even harder.
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