I don't make eye contact, I don't speak when spoken to, I don't wave or say hi when I see people I know, and I rarely start conversations.
It's not I'm rude, dislike you or do not want to do all of those things.
It is because eye contact makes me feel uncomfortable. I never think that people are speaking to me.
I doubt that you will wave or smile back, and I don't like talking to people because I'm afraid I will say the wrong thing and people will think I'm stupid or mean.
I grew up in a high school in a very small town. I knew every single person in my school, their siblings, their parents, who they were friends with, and had probably spoken to each of them at some point in time.
I had friends that I could see on a daily basis, ones that went out with me on weekends and helped me through the hard times of high school, ones that forced me out of my comfort zone and helped me achieve NHS Treasurer, Class Secretary, Student Council, Yearbook Editor in the school, and was heavily involved in my community.
Everyone knew me in some way and said hello or waved whenever they saw me around town. For as long as I can remember, I dreamed of getting out, moving into a dorm and living on my own. Living in a city where I can get pizza delivered, walk to stores and exploring something brand new to me.
I had problems at times with anxiety, but I never knew just how bad it could get until I moved away from everything and everyone I knew, to a new environment and a seemingly different world.
Since moving to college, my anxiety has just become worse. I find myself unable to leave my dorm, sometimes even to eat. I don't like going anywhere on campus because no matter what, I feel like I'm being watched and judged.
I have yet to make any friends besides my roommate who, bless her soul, has to put up with me A LOT. I've joined clubs and tried to get out of my comfort zone, but doing this has just pushed me further in.
I see people that I met at freshman orientation going to parties, making more friends than I would know what to do with. As time went on, not knowing anyone and not having any friends was beginning to take a toll on my mental health. I cried every day and hated school. I miss home and go back every chance I have.
I call my mom constantly, text my brother just to annoy him, ask my dad political questions trying to get him on a rant so I could have someone to talk to.
I'm working on the management of it all, in the only ways I know how. So if I don't wave to you, I'm sorry.
But just know I'm trying.