Being a Grandma Stuck in a Sorority Girl's Body
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Politics and Activism

Being a Grandma Stuck in a Sorority Girl's Body

Being a Grandma Stuck in a Sorority Girl's Body

Do your favorite activities include going to Target and organizing your DVD collection by genre? Do you get giddy walking into Michaels and exploring the possibilities? Do you love oversized knitwear? If so, you might be a grandma trapped in a sorority girl's body. The symptoms include, but are not limited to:

1. The dread of going out.

Honestly, you'd rather just stay home and watch Project Runway or Americas Next Top model than go out and watch your friends get belligerently drunk and embarrassingly make out with foreign guys, again. Your bed and laptop seem so inviting, not even FOMO can put those wedges on your feet.

2. The anxiety of dressing “hot".

Leggings and a comfy sweater sound like the perfect outfit to you, not skin tight dresses from Tobi that are obviously meant for prostitutes. The thought of having to engineer your body into these kinds of contraptions fills you with so much anxiety that you'll probably fidget with your hemline all night long.

3. Craftiness.

Pinterest and hot glue are pretty much your BFFs. Spending a whole Saturday devoted to painting a cooler sounds exciting, not annoying. Art supplies and a pack of new pens make your heart flutter like pages of your favorite rainy day book. You envy those who can afford expensive paints, but you settle for the Martha Stewart brand.

4. The judgment of everything and everyone.

When you're a grandma stuck in a sorority girl's body, you tend to roll your eyes at almost every single thing that isn't wine flavored, for example, all music recorded by LMFAO or Flo Rida and wedged sneakers. You're pretty much the authority on class and taste and everyone should follow your example. (At least that's what YOU think).

5. Extreme emotional responses.

Extreme emotions are common for grandmas but are especially potent when exposed to cute baby animals. You could spend hours looking at videos of tiny pigs rolling around and feel perfectly content with your life. You also become emotional about feeling irrelevant and perhaps not understanding the latest acronym or knowing the words to every Iggy Azalea song. Seeing old photos of friends and thinking, "We are so old now!" will send you into yet another fit of hysteria. Beware the grandma tears.

6. Exhaustion.

You will constantly find yourself tired in every situation. You overuse the phrase “I am sooo tired." You always want to leave the party first and will sulk around by yourself until your friends agree. Napping is an art form you have perfected and no matter how little you have done that day, a nap sounds like a good idea.

7. Irritability.

You're cranky. You're indecisive. It's not your fault; you're just a grandma stuck in a sorority girl's body, and sometimes life is hard. You don't understand girls that are chipper at 6 a.m. and post pictures about fitness. Complaining about warm beer and rude people is your specialty. “Why are we even here?" is your catchphrase.

8. The love of all things cute, cuddly, and comfy.

Hand painted mugs and hot chocolate make you smile, as do fluffy pillows and warm blankets. You've probably stocked up on fuzzy socks from Target for every holiday occasion. And speaking of holidays, the holiday season is your favorite because everything is cinnamon and pine scented. It also means a trip to the pumpkin patch and maybe a picnic lunch with a myriad of bagels, always bagels.

9. Overspending.

Grandmas love to spoil their grandkids, and when you're a grandma trapped in a sorority girl's body, "grandkids" means your sisters. The mall is a battlefield and your credit card is your weapon of choice. You wield that thing like a sword of honor and purchasing gives you a high. Don't even start on birthdays; you want to give the perfect gift, and you will spare no expense to do so — until your parents cut you off that is.

10. Nurturing instincts.

Chances are you're the token therapist of the group and you revel in the title. Why you have so much wisdom to share is beyond you, but you do it anyway. No matter how much your friends might annoy you, you love them anyway and want so much for them to succeed. More often than not, you'll find yourself wiping mascara tears, making macaroni and cheese, and lending tampons all in the name of sisterhood. Nurturing comes easy to you, as it does to most grandmas.

You are not alone. I too suffer from being a grandma trapped in a sorority girl's body. Don't let these symptoms rule your life. Stand up to the grandma inside of you and embrace her.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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