Maybe you knew of their addiction when you met them. Maybe they hide the problem, and by the time you knew, you loved them. Maybe the person you met was sober, and had never struggled with addiction, but somewhere along the way fell into the trap.
Whatever your story may be, the pain we have all felt is the same.
For me, I had never been around drugs, or someone on them. I had no clue what the warning signs were. I was oblivious to all of the them. I fell in love with someone who struggled with addiction, but wasn't aware until I loved him with my whole heart.
I know what my weaknesses are. One of them being that I have a savior complex. Having never been around an addict, I had no idea the challenge that I was up against, nor the heartache that was up ahead.
It started when money started coming up missing. At first it was possible to convince me that the money had gotten lost. I quickly learned to not keep cash on me, as it would disappear every time, and I would receive the blame.
Next, you went missing with the money, and whatever else you could find to take that I wouldn't easily notice. You would be gone from anywhere from several hours, to days, maybe even weeks or months. Each time breaking a bigger piece of my heart. I wanted so badly to save you from yourself. I believed for years that I could. That eventually you would see how desperately you needed your sobriety. Our son needed you to be clean, your family needed you. Even more, your family loved you.
Eventually you quit escaping to go on your binges, and instead you brought it home, and lived your life high, and drunk every day, You were no longer anything that resembled the man I met years before. He had been replaced by this person who lied, stole, cheated, hit, and the words that came out of his mouth were pure evil. Leaving me behind to clean up the messes you made, not just around the house, but emotional ones.
Regardless, I loved you. I did all that I could to save you. I lived my life in constant fear of when I would get "that" call. The call that told me that your life had been lost to your addictions. Along the way, I had to realize that I could not save you. Lord knows I tried.
My attempts at saving you, were killing me. Years into this battle with you, I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to accept the fact that I couldn't save you. Only you are capable of making the decision to turn your life around. I may have had to walk away from a life with you, but I will never stop praying, begging for you to seek sobriety. I will always be in your corner hoping for that.
I choose not to listen to stories of how your doing now, because the stories break my heart all over again. I still live everyday wondering when I will receive "the" phone call. I am so sorry that our family wasn't enough of a reason to get better. I am sorry that our son will live his life without you as his father, because at one point you were the best damn dad. You were capable of so many great things. I watched as those things were drowned out of you, and be replaced with someone beyond recognition. I slowly watched your addictions suck the life out of your soul.
Because of the years I spent with you, trying to save you, I am forever changed. I have a whole new understanding of what addiction is. I have new walls that were built, and my standards became a little higher. I have accepted that I cannot save everyone, and don't need to spend my life with someone that I feel the need to save. I know now to be more cautious with those who I trust my heart with.
I still love you, you will always hold a piece of my heart. I hope you find your way before the dreadful phone call comes.
I don't know what your story is, but I do know that if you clicked on this link, and read this fully, then the chances are you love an addict. Maybe they are a lover, sibling, parent, child, friend. Whoever they are to you, you love them. Maybe you are in the weird place where you know staying around isn't okay for you anymore, but you don't know how to walk away. Let me tell you, it's HARD. Walking away feels like giving up. It feels like failure. But, you have to. There isn't another option. If there were, you would have already exhausted it by now. It's okay to choose yourself. It's okay to choose to be free of their toxicity, I won't tell you to not feel guilty, because you will. But everyday will get easier. I promise.
if you are an addict reading this, I know it's hard. However, you are loved. Someone out there loves you, and is also dreading :"the" call regarding YOU. Only you can change that, Only you can save your life. Do it, Your life is worth saving, and you are worth loving. This road to sobriety will not be an easy one, but you ARE stronger than your addiction. Help is out there, and you are not alone.