I knew I wasn't okay when one moment time was my best friend,

it was consistent and on my side.

I never wanted it to end, and I never wanted it to leave.

But seconds later, I looked down to see I had been struck, realizing time had betrayed me.

There are moments of pure exhilaration,

late nights, friends, and forgetting all difficulties.

One moment of no stress, no pain, and simply being all together.

Dropping the papers, last minute assignments, and all responsibility.

Forgetting to eat, forgetting to sleep, and enjoying each moment.

Or trying to.

I found myself either getting lost in those moments or standing on the outside looking in, watching myself look so happy and carefree, but seeing the pain in the small corners of my eyes crawling down my face.

Was I unhappy? or just scared of enjoying the moments for too long?

I'll never know.

What I do know, is I lost the last remaining parts of me in not listening to my heart.

They say if you do something enough you'll get really good at it,

practice makes perfect.

The same thing goes with pain, getting hurt the same way over and over, and over again, eventually you reach your breaking point.

It wasn't the three previous times when you thought that was the one,

but the one when you realize you have nothing left to give, and you've never been ready because you were never fully healed after the first time.

When do we learn?

When do we learn that fire burns if you get too close, and you can't change reality?

When are we going to learn that the small pain in our hearts, underneath the butterflies, are our souls saying, "I'm so sorry, but you're wrong about this one too."

When do we finally slow down?

We're like cars that keep driving, hitting things as we goe by, but not stopping, and not slowing down.

Continuously losing pieces as we go, driving faster and faster, thinking if we just go faster, maybe it'll get better.

Maybe the pieces will come back, or new ones will be found along the way.

And maybe, just maybe, at the end there will be something good

something magical.

What a foolish thought, because we all know that's not how you make it to the finish line.

So here's my heart,

my raw, broken, bruised little heart.

Here to say, it hurts so bad to be wrong, but it hurts even more when you knew you were right.

When the tiny part of the soul that warned you,

was right.

When you have to give up the thrilling, fun, excitement

and listen to the pain growing inside of you.

We thought it was okay since the outside looked so beautiful.

But not everything that shines is truly shiny.

Not everything that looks good, is good.

Why do our stories seem to always end the same way,

why do mistakes never seem to turn into lessons,

and why are our broken hearts still broken?

The panic of our minds are all consuming, it's torturous and terrifying.

We find ourselves unable to breathe due to all the weight built up inside of us.

And we realize we're breaking down,

emotionally done, and maybe even feeling guilty to admit it.

No weekend getaway or amount of sleep will be able to make it feel better.

Just you, your pile of laundry, the endless list of tasks to get done, and your broken heart.

And you think Dear God, I am a mess.

But like the tiny piece of my soul knew my right was wrong,

the one who controls our hearts has extended his hand from His high place and held me.

He grabbed me from the darkness I called light,

saving me from myself, and the destruction of my mind.

All the lies, all the pain, trying to tear me down.

But God was there.

He took me out of the darkest space, into the light,

and saved me, because HE LOVES ME.

Psalm 18:16-19.

You may break down, but you will get back up.