1. Man With No Arms Charged With Stabbing Chicago Tourist

Stranger things have happened in Chi-Town.

2. Sick Man Who Had Sex With A Horse Claimed Animal Gave Consent By Winking At Him

This is animal abuse, correct?

3. Pig In Australia Steals 18 Beers From Campers, Gets Drunk And Fights Cow

That just sounds like another day at UW-Madison.

4. Ohio Man Sentenced After Attempting To Seduce Undercover Officer With Chicken Alfredo

Honestly, that's totally something I would do.

5. Family Says Logan County Hospital Gave Them The Wrong Baby For 2 Hours

Do babies really look that different from one another? No.

6. Phoenix Area Woman Accused Of Stalking And Sending 65,000 Texts To A Man She Went On One Date With

Sorry, I'm just having trouble seeing the problem here.

7. Sexuality Expert Says, "Parents Should Seek Consent Before Changing Baby's Diaper"

The millennials have gone too far.

8. Police Department Writes "Po Po" On Squad Car To Relate With Young Residents

Sounds like a clever marketing strategy to me.

9. Highly Intoxicated Man Hit Girlfriend With Pizza

I don't support domestic abuse, and I most definitely don't support pizza abuse.

10. Missouri Man Breaks Into Multiple Women's Homes To Tell Them He "Respects Them" In Celebration Of International Women's Day

Why thank you, kind sir.

11. Chuck E. Cheese Brawl Ends With 2 Hurt, 2 Arrests

I just really want to know how this started.

12. Angry Cow Gets The Hump And Beats Up Woman After She Sang Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" To It

Not a smart idea, miss.

13. Two Arrested In Chainsaw Fight In Akron

The real question is: do they use them like swords or just throw them at one another? The world may never know.

14. Filipino President Rodrigo Duterte Told Citizens Last Week To Forgo Condoms During Intercourse Because "They Don't Feel Good"

The hero that the Philippines deserves, but not the one it needs.

15. Health Professionals Report Cases Where People Put Sunscreen On Their Eyeballs To Watch Eclipse

Works in theory, but not in reality.

16. Stormy Daniels Claimed That Trump Asked Her To Spank Him With A Forbes Magazine That Had Him On The Cover And Made Her Watch Hours Of Shark Week

I'm not even surprised in the slightest.

17. Putin: "I Am Not A Woman, So I Don't Have Bad Days"

Excuse you, sir.

18. Ben Carson Calls Poverty "A State Of Mind"

I honestly am concerned for anyone who lets him perform their brain surgery.

19. China May Be Using The Sea To Hide Its Submarines

I'm pretty sure that's the only way to hide them.

20. Fed Up With Mortal Men, Women Are Having Sex With Ghosts

They're just so hard to find.