Ah, Christmas, the happiest time of year! Gifts, light shows, holiday cheer--the only thing that can spoil it is hearing one of these twelve songs, twelve of the most annoying pieces of music to ever infect the holiday season.
1. "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," by Pentatonix, The Vamps, and all your next door neighbors
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is inescapable. It's every caroler's go-to. Sorry, guys, but if you want to get me in the Christmas spirit, you'll have to try harder than the most basic Christmas song out there.
2. "Santa Baby," by Gwen Stefani, Madonna, and every other plucky female pop star
Is the singer of this song...trying to hit on Santa? Look, I like a unique take, but this ain't it.
3. "Santa Baby," but specifically Michael's version
I recognize Michael Bublé's kingship over Christmas just as much as anyone else, but you know what's even weirder than flirting with Santa? Saying basically all the same things, but trying to pull a "no homo" on him.
4. "Jingle Bells," by everyone from Mickey Mouse to Frank Sinatra
This is a contender for the most earworm-y Christmas tune out there, and I don't like that fact one bit.
5. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas," by Johnny Mathis
This song wouldn't be on the list if not for that fact that it's responsible for the most basic Instagram caption from November 1st-December 24th. Oh, is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas? I never would have noticed without your obligatory post about the first snow!
6. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," by Justin Bieber, especially
This is one of the creepiest possible songs we could be promoting to children every year. Seriously, we're telling children not to cry or they won't get gifts, because, hey, they're being watched 24/7 by an immortal old man?
7. "Baby, It's Cold Outside," by Bing Crosby & Doris Day
This song is basically the only male-female Christmas duet out there, so, ironically, it gets overplayed for the sake of variety. But...the...lyrics. It's a bit dated, to say the least.
8. "Wonderful Christmastime," by Paul McCartney
Yet another Christmas song about the concept of good feelings and not much else.
9. "The Christmas Shoes," by NewSong
In this Oliver Twist for the modern era, a young boy has to buy his mother shoes because she's dying, and she should look fancy when she meets Jesus. It's a Hallmark movie in four minutes, and nobody should be forced to listen more than once.
10. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," by the Jackson 5
Having a kid sing your song does not automatically make it endearing and cute. I'm sure this song was funny the first couple times around, but must we constantly be reminded of this child's mother having a thing for Santa? This theme should not be as common as it is.
11. "Jingle Bell Rock," by Bobby Helms
Is this song stuck in your head now? Are you happy about it? Didn't think so.
12. "Last Christmas," by Wham!
Ah, the holy grail of annoying, uninspired, and overplayed Christmas songs. Even George Michael's voice can't make me sympathetic to the poor choices the person in this song makes. We get it, you don't know how to move on. Leave our radio airwaves in peace.