I asked God to show me how to trust, then I became pregnant. Now... I am not putting blame on God for this situation, rather seeing what He is showing me through the process.
When I first saw the positive pregnancy test I was instantly filled with fear, shame, and lots of emotions, mostly tears. I cried for a few weeks in utter despair believing that my life was over. I had messed up. I was no longer a "good" christian. I would cry to God and tell Him that I was done for. I couldn't fulfill the plans He had for me. I told Him He couldn't use me anymore because I was too far gone.
But He said...
"Trust me, I have plans for you still. You're never too far gone." That was when I started to understand trust. Not listening to the voice in my head, but listening to God's.
I asked God to give me courage, and He held my hand as I called family and friends about the child inside of me. I wanted to run most of the times, and I desperately wanted to hide myself. I sobbed many times when it came to telling people.
Sometimes, I was so fearful that I couldn't say it face to face with most people. Instead I resorted to a message and prayer.
As time went on, my courage became stronger than the timid spirit. I could tell people face to face and I could share what God was doing because I am pregnant. I finally started to understand courage.
I asked God to show me grace and He used all of my friends, and all of my family to demonstrate His grace for me. As I told more and more people I waited for someone to point a finger, to tell me I was wrong, to condemn me. I waited for the worst, but instead I received compassion, love, understanding, and most of all grace.
People after people told me of God's grace, of God's plan for my life. They never doubted that I was forgiven, but I did. This was when I finally started to see God's grace towards me and the situation at hand.
I asked God to help me understand His love and He chose me to be a mother. This process I haven't fully experienced yet, but there is a few things.
I love this miracle inside of me, before I even know who they will become. God loved us before we were here on the Earth.
I pray for this child everyday, and they are always on my mind. I worry that something could happen, I want to be protective and keep them safe. God is always thinking of us and praying for us. He wants us to be safe, and He wants what's best for us.
And soon there will be a day when this child comes to me with tears streaming down their face. They'll stand before me, about to tell me of the "terrible" crime they committed. I'll listen to them, then I will wrap them in a hug and tell them I still love them and always will no matter what. Just like what God told me when I stood before Him.
I asked God, and He answered through this child.
