My Secret Battle: Am I Asexual or Sexually Traumatized?

I haven't had this conversation with many people. In fact, I haven't had this conversation with anyone.

For a long time now, I've accepted people's suggestion that getting a boyfriend would fix my problems because I wouldn't be alone and I would have someone in general. I take that suggestion very lightly, ignore it, and move on. But after receiving it for the millionth time this week, I cannot ignore it any longer.

I've been silently battling questions about whether or not I consider myself to be asexual or sexually traumatized due to my past experiences. I didn't even know there was a difference between the two for many, many months; pretty much ever since I started asking the questions.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which an individual is generally disinterested in sexual relationships. Those who've been sexually traumatized find themselves in a position where they're not interested in sexual relationships, find it disgusting, and can even be scared.This, thus, brings people to the conclusion that they are asexual. But that may not be the case.

For me, I was repeatedly raped, for many years, during my developmental stages of childhood. I began using this as a sign that I was destined to be in relationships; that I was nothing without a man. This stopped when I began getting into deeper relationships where the questions of going further came into play. It became even more a part of my life when I began reporting my abuse.

I started looking up quizzes online to try and figure it out. I never wanted to bring it up to anyone because it embarrasses me that the abuse found it's way into yet another part of my life. In fact, this is the first time anyone is even hearing about this...which may or may not be good but at this point what does it matter?

I am confused, to say the least. I am scared beyond belief of any type of relationship and I am disgusted by the idea of intimacy with anyone for fear that I will be left once again. But the important thing is that the source of those feelings. I don't know the answers to these questions.

I am fearful that these feelings will never end. I will never feel safe in the arms of anyone, I will never have a life outside of the assaults that I believed were in a separate box. I am fearful I will never outlive the effects of what he did to me.

In the wake of some emotionally trying times, I am confronted yet again with everyone suggesting the solution to get a boyfriend because somehow, a man can fix all of the problems, that they don't realize, a man caused. This only makes my feelings of doubt and poor self-worth so much worse than they already are. I guess I am nothing without a man.

In the end, I'm still unsure of what I consider myself to be. I don't know what's going to happen at all anymore.