I can’t put a name to this. I can’t even write this on a piece of paper. It makes it too personal. Too real.
I don’t know what to say to you. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing I can say. I never had the chance. I never had the right. I still don’t have it, even now.
But it still hurts me. I still think about it. I think about you. Not like I used to. But I think about missing you. I think about the hole inside of my heart because you’re not there anymore. In a sense, you are. But I know things will never be the same.
I didn’t mean to feel it. It just happens. You get close to someone. You trust them. You feel safe. It’s that moment when your heart lights up, a soft glow in your chest, because something just feels right. Like a sign. Like it was meant to be. The breeze is soft and cool, and there is snow falling somewhere. Everything fits and that sense of magic and romance just captivates you.
I can’t say I’m sorry, and I won’t. But I’m sorry for the way you found out. I’m sorry that it hurt you. I’m sorry that you thought I would ever mislead you. And because of all of that, I’m sorry that you hurt me.
You hurt me. And I will forgive you. But I won’t. You took something from me that I didn’t even know you had. This small piece of my heart. Or maybe not my heart. I don’t even know what it is. But I know something is missing and you just have it, lying about somewhere. You probably don’t even know.
There is no explanation for why it hurts so much. I have cried and cried and still I’m not able to let go. I’ve dreamt that things were different, and I’ve woken up wishing that I could live in the reality where you’ve forgiven me for this. But I know deep down that your forgiveness isn’t something I need when it comes to how I feel.
I’m human. We all are.
That does not excuse what happened. On my end, or on yours. In some weird sense we are both at fault. Me, for being naïve and caring for you. You for, well, being you. I knew how you would respond if you ever found out- and you did. And it hurt. I wish you could just give back whatever it is that you’ve taken from me.
I miss you still. I miss talking. I miss laughing. I miss being silly. I miss listening to music. I miss feeling safe and comfortable with you. But most of all I miss my friend.
I mean I know that we're still friends. But I miss the friend that trusted me with his secrets, his feelings. That inner monologue he shared with me when he didn’t want to share it with anyone else. He was a special friend.
I know I won’t see him again. And I think that’s the worst part of it all. I loved my friend, and part of me still does. But he is gone. He will not be around any time soon and I need to stop being hurt by the fact that he is not a part of my life. Maybe he never really was.
