Once upon a time I couldn't recognize the symptoms and I couldn't form an analogy on the reality of its existence.
I thought I said "Goodbye" to my friend a long time ago, but here we are reunited and saying "Hello" once again. Somewhere along the past few months I have let back an "unwanted visitor" back into my life, and this visitor swarmed my mindsets, and dimmed my sparkle.
One influence of my healing journey back then was writing my emotions on a platform, I never published an article without living and experiencing the topic I wrote about. I needed the validation and accountability to myself that having feelings and sentiments were crucial too surviving whatever came to follow. Fast forwarding, the articles stopped and I was living the life, I aspired to live. Looking back now, I don't know if I ever properly dealt with my emotions, or I just put a pause on them because I was too busy occupying my days and nights.
Everyone has diverse connotations on "rock bottom", and everyones ship sinks immensely differently. I am under the impression that I am currently embarking on my ship hitting rocky bottoms. I never anticipated reopening suture shut wounds, but a rollercoaster filled with inconsistency and endless changes, crashed during the ride.
I well-educated and grounded myself on the emotional, psychological, and social well-beings on something that makes "living" turn into just "surviving". In contradiction to some peers opinions, there is unfortunately not a way to "quickly fix" the issue, and the internal struggles that live within my head.
I am face to face with the numbness of not having any cares and vitality every single day.
I am neglecting every single chore and habit because I am too weak to put forth the energy to obtain the reality of how it should be.
I am finding long periods of times distracting myself with sleeping, and isolating myself from being socialable with all my family and friends.
I am re-engaging with old TV show reruns, and movies I watched in my childhood that I enjoyed simply to feel a sense of happier times, comfort, and security.
I am planning out text messages to explain my struggles presently to someone, but just going forth and deleting every single letter because of the fear of being a burden, and not having socially acceptable validations.
I am getting lost in the fantasy of a really good memory, I absolutely cherish. Simply because times were easier, and living in the past seems better than living within the present and finding peace with where I am currently.
I am telling everyone that everything is fine, but my conscience knows everything is not tolerable.
I am uneasy with the component that I may be a hardship to my own family because I am a bit difficult, and fear that me constantly shaking up my own life, puts an inconsistency on their lives.
I am taking days to answer back text messages, I'm completely turning my phone off to disassociate myself with anyone who tries to reach out to me.
I am completely apprehensive of the certainty that I do indeed have depression, and it lives inside of me.
Unfortunately, people will perceive this as I'm slapping a label on a bandage covering a bullet hole, portraying "laziness, attention seeking, and being weak".
One of the biggest intrusive thoughts I have embedded is how unfathomable it is to know that we are all literally dying, some are dying quicker, and some are dying slower, but eventually we all won't be living this life.
I am very receptive on how precious life is, I am very humbled with the life and opportunities I have been given because I know some people out there don't have a quarter of what I do have, and I try to cherish things as they come along. But, it takes so much strength to come out of a depressive episode, and stride back into "living mode". I almost don't see a correlation between both thoughts.
I have had the strength to come out of this prior, and I have fought long hard battles to get to that everyday happiness, and be able to visualize and chase every goal and ambition I did have. But I begun to forget the versions and methods on how I did it, and how come it seemed easier to overcome back then versus nowadays.
I just can't perceive the world, and life with the realistic facts. There is so many things I don't understand, but everything seems to have become heavier, and secluding myself to be alone, from everything seems like the only feasible way to find an understanding on the things I can't exactly pinpoint.
I have unhinged healthy habits, I am drained at the easiest tasks, I have less mental capacity to connect with the world, I feel like I have failed with back tracking on everything I once thought I succeeded in, and am constantly ruminating about the things that are over and done with.
I know I don't have to be strong for the benefit of others, because I know my emotions are valid and in order to heal from them, I have to experience them at whatever intensity they come in, to grow from it. I also know it's completely compacted to put myself in such a vulnerable state to express everything and expose my deepest wounds, but additionally I know the only cure to depression is fighting by yourself, and getting yourself out of it because you will only and forever always just have yourself as your own backbone.
If I just could live, I would live.
But right now I just am surviving.
Once upon a time, I didn't needed to pinpoint the symptoms and analogies, but now I can't be insensitive to when a symptom arises, and I start facing certain analogies in life.