I believed for a very long time that you were "the one." It's funny because at this point, I don't even think I believe in the idea of one perfect person that was made for me. But when I did, I thought it was you, even when you left. But I've grown up. I know now that you were not "the one."

You were my best friend. I met you and immediately knew that I would fall in love with you. Your laughter, though obnoxious, was my drug. We laughed together day in and day out. We spent nearly every waking moment talking, loving and adventuring. We shared secrets, fears, dreams, and goals. We knew everything there was to know about one another. We loved one another very much. We spent every day of our time together growing deeper in love and more addicted to one another. We were happy. Our chemistry was irrefutable. We loved and supported one another like a married couple and even argued like one too.

Given all of that, here's how I know you weren't "the one."

I know you weren't "the one" because you're gone now and I'm okay. It took a while for me to feel okay, friends and family can attend to that, but I feel okay. I'm doing extraordinarily well in all aspects of my life. I've flourished since we've parted. That is not to knock you in any way. It's simply the truth. I'm doing well academically, spiritually, professionally, and emotionally. I look back on my emotional state while we were together and I feel sad for myself. I was so in love with you, but I hated myself. I struggled with depression, anxiety, stress, self-loathing. I was dependent on your love. I felt complete because I had it and losing you made me feel as though the ground beneath me had slipped out from under me. I fell into darkness. As time passed, I learned that the darkness wasn't darkness at all. It was a new stage of enlightenment masked as temporary darkness. Now, I can say that although I do still have love for you and probably always will, I love myself more and I don't miss or want you anymore.

I don't think about how you used to kiss me good night before you made the drive home or vice versa. I don't think about how we used to eat pizza three times a week and watch every movie on Netflix that sounded the least bit interesting. I don't think about how we would laugh so hard we started tearing up during our Ps4 gaming nights. I don't think about how we would play basketball in your yard with your brothers or in my yard throwing balls with my dogs. I don't think about the nights I spent cuddled by your side. I don't think about the night you blew on my forehead because I was suffocating from the blazing heat. I don't think about the daily arguments. I don't think about the numerous makeups. I don't think about our first kiss outside of your English class by the bathroom. I don't think about the day I met your family. I don't think about any of it anymore and writing this doesn't make me sad.That is how I know that you were not and are not "the one." It's bittersweet and perhaps one day, I'll tell my future daughter about my first love.

I remember watching as my grandmother's health deteriorated. As she worsened, my grandfather started to get sick as well. I remember being in awe when my grandmother started to get better and he soon followed. They've been married nearly 60 years at this point. I see the way they love. I see how they can't help but be with one another. They found "the one." I didn't find "the one". I had a love, my first love. But I am okay without you. I am well without you, in fact. What we had was real, but it wasn't meant to last forever.

That is how I know you weren't "the one."


Your first love