An Open Letter to the Love of My Old Life
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Politics and Activism

An Open Letter to the Love of My Old Life

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An Open Letter to the Love of My Old Life

To the love of my old life,

How are you doing? I hope well. You always used to fluctuate through really good days where you were all smiles and laughter and love to days where you were the saddest soul I’ve ever seen – full of pessimistic views and days without laughter. However – no matter how you viewed the world that day, I was still apart of it. I was still a member of your every day routine. We woke up and wished each other a good morning and fell asleep to the words goodnight. Times were different. Our stories have evolved and sadly – they did not evolve together.

I remember being at dinner with my friend after months of dating you (yes, just a few months) and she looked at me and said, “Mands, do you really think you’re going to marry him?” I looked at her with no uncertainty and said, “Yes. I just feel like I will.” I was fourteen years young getting dinner with the money my father had given me for the weekend and I thought I had met the love of my life. It is as crazy as it sounds.

I tell this story all the time when I try to describe you and me to other people who never had the fortune of seeing it in action. When I tell the story of us, people are always confused as to why it ended. You and I know both very well why it ended and it’s for a multitude of reasons. Reasons I still cannot wrap my head around and fully make sense of. I guess I’m in the same boat of confusion as to why it had to end. Here are my thoughts on why our one time fairytale love ended like it did:

The main reason that I have come up with through years of thinking about it is, you and I were the loves of one another's old life. We were different people in high school. We didn’t have a clue what life had in store for us. We had no idea who we were going to meet. We had no idea how these future experiences and friendships were going to change our lives and our souls. We grew so much over the years and sadly it was not in the same direction.

I still want you to know I think about you from time to time. You still affect my life and I haven’t seen you in two years. I think of you when I see certain movies. I think of you when I hear certain songs. I think of you when I see a crazy in love couple in pure bliss. I think of you when I see a couple so passionately angry at one another. I think of you always. Not in a creepy, I want you back sort of way. Don’t get me wrong I went through that phase. However, in more of a, I hope he’s doing just fine sort of way.

There were days I would speak so ill of you. I would say things like, “I do not wish the best for him. He does not deserve the best.” I hope you know, that is not the case. I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you all the happiness. I wish the new love of your life just the same. Part of me still has feelings that you and I will cross paths someday, but I am perfectly okay if that never happens.

Had you asked eighteen years old me, what I think you and I would be doing at this exact moment? I would say probably hanging out in your parent’s basement talking about how excited we were for college to end and to start our life together finally. The life we had talked about since we were fourteen years old. The life that I built up in my head, but did not have the ability to make happen. My life has turned into such a different story than I ever would of thought. Even though you’re not in it anymore it would not have been possible without you.

You made me who I am. You shaped my heart and left your mark on my soul. You have made me want to never go back home again – sorry if that’s harsh. It is from the heart you broke that I want to move on from the town and house that somewhat built me. I mean that in the best way possible. It was cutting ties and relations with you, and you doing the same to me, that I was able to realize what I wanted from this life.

What I want from this life is not to marry the boy I met in 8th grade. What I want from this life is not to be someone’s wife when I’m barely my own person yet. What I want from this life is not to settle. I want to excel. I want to be with someone who knows nothing about my past walk of life, so I can tell my story and have them fall in love with it. I want to tell someone about you and how it was the best and worst years of my life and how I cannot wait to fall in that sort of love again. I want to travel around with someone. Someone who I didn’t hurt in ways I hurt you and vice versa. I want to be with someone who I don’t want to see sad. I want to be with someone who is my happiness, not my breaking point. I want to be with someone who I don’t have to say, “we fight because love each other." I just want someone – someone who is entirely and perfectly not you. This is because you were perfect for the old me, but I’m not that girl anymore.

So thank you for filling my old life with the perfect kind of love for that moment in time. Thank you for being the love of my old life. I hope you’re doing well.

The sweetest of wishes,

Your past flame

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