Dear Switchfoot,

I stood in the third row of your show, and you had no idea.

You didn't know that three months ago I lost my brother.

You didn't know I attended my Grandmaw's funeral three days prior to the concert.

You had no idea what the friend who stood beside me had done-- how many hugs and prayers she'd given me at just the right time.

And you didn't know how much your music meant to me.

It's hard for me to put into words the emotions I've felt in this season, yet your lyrics sum it up easily.

"When you're feeling like an astronaut, Stuck on a planet even time forgot, and You're a version of yourself, but you're not the same"

If I had a dollar for every time someone has made a comment about the changes in me recently, I could've paid for half the tickets to your show.

Time changes things, and life changes things. I look back over the summer and don't even recognize who I was, especially after finding out he was gone.

"The stitches heal, but the years are lost"

It's as if, after some time had passed, people expected me to go back to normal, even though they told me the opposite.

But I couldn't do that, I couldn't pretend to be okay.

And I couldn't deal with how badly my heart ached.

"Cause your scars shine like dark stars, Yeah, your wounds are where the light shines through"

I think I knew the truth all along -- that He was the only answer for the pain.

But there were times when it didn't seem like He would be enough.

It felt so dark and the wound felt so deep that I didn't see how it'd ever be possible for it to bring Him glory.

Then I met a girl who had lost her sister to cancer, and as she sat and talked with me as someone who finally understood, I realized the Light shining in her.

And I knew that someday, however far in the future, that Light would shine through me to someone else.

Even in those moments when there seemed to be a sense to the pain, it still felt as if a heavy weight sat on my shoulders.

That was the worst part.

My brother wasn't even 30 yet when he went Home, but in that short time he taught me an awful lot about life.

He lived it to the fullest, and I wanted so desperately to live in a way that would make him proud.

But I couldn't seem to shake the shackles.

"Take the burden from my arms, Take the anchors off my lungs"

And then I heard this song.

Jon said it was almost like a prayer, and that's exactly what it became for me.

"Life is short; I wanna live it well, And you're the One I'm living for, Awaken all my soul, Every breath that you take is a miracle"

I know that my brother and grandmother, and definitely my Savior, would never want me to mope around in the hurt and the confusion for my entire life.

I know that I was created to live life more abundantly.

In all honesty, that's hard some days.

Especially on the days I miss them most.

Especially when it feels like nothing I could ever achieve will matter because such a huge piece of the family will be missing.

But this song is a constant reminder of the opposite.

"When it feels like surgery, And it burns like third degree, And you wonder what is it worth? When your inside's breaking in And you feel that ache again"

Lately, I don't really know what to do or where to go sometimes, but I do know that I never walk alone-- that I serve a God who doesn't leave me.

"If you could only let your guard down, You could learn to trust me somehow, I swear, that I won't let you go"

I'm not sure there's ever been a moment that I was angry at God, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have my doubts.

It just didn't make sense, especially losing Grandmaw only three months later without getting to say goodbye, and I wanted so badly for Him to just tell me why.

I just couldn't figure out why He let us go through losing my brother in the first place, and I definitely couldn't understand losing her too.

"If you could only let go your doubts, If you could just believe in me now, I swear, that I won't let you go"

But I guess that's where faith comes in.

It seems to me that on the days I yelled at Him the loudest, on the days it made the least sense, He showed up in the biggest way.

It's as if when I finally admitted all of my doubts and questions, He gave me my answer by simply being more real than ever before.

"There ain't no darkness strong enough that could tear you out from my heart"

Romans 8:38-39 has always been a favorite verse of mine, but I don't think I ever grasped the full meaning until now.

Literally nothing, even the loss of such precious people, could ever change who He is or take me away from Him.

Which is good news, because I wouldn't have survived without Him.

And I won't say I wouldn't have survived without your music, because that might be a little (or a lot) extreme.

But I will say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for giving words to thoughts I couldn't figure out how to say.

And thank you, for the opportunity to yell them at the top of my lungs and know I wasn't alone.