You really don't understand grief until something happens to you. Until you're the family in the front of the wake having to hug everyone and to thank them for coming to then hear them say "I'm here if you need anything." But how do you tell someone that the only thing you need is something no one can give you?

In the middle of January of 2019, my life changed forever.

I got woken up super early by my mom saying we had to rush to the hospital and that "it wasn't good." You've always had heart problems Gram, but I never thought I would have to say goodbye.

It was a Sunday. I haven't seen you since that previous Thursday. I was supposed to go visit you the Saturday, before but I went out and texted you I'd see you Sunday and that I loved you... I never thought that would be the last text. I still beat myself up over the decision of going out with friends, instead of going to see you.

I remember being in the hospital sitting in the ICU waiting room and hearing "code blue room 2041" and feeling like my world just crashed. I watched enough "Grey's" to know...this is not going to be good. I sent a text at 11:11 a.m. to my best friend, "Grandma Pat is dead. She's not coming back."

I knew then my life would never be the same without you, Gram.

We all dealt with the grief differently. I turned to the Mega Stuf Oreos...and gained 11 pounds practically overnight. I had to go buy a black dress for the services later that week and there was a shooting at one of our favorite malls the same day I was out there. I wish I could have called and told you about it. I could only have imagined the crazy comments you'd have to say.

January 24, 2019, was the hardest day of my life. This day we closed your casket and said goodbye.

This was also the day I got up in front of everyone at the funeral service and gave your eulogy...I hope you liked it. You always hated the trains you would catch in Midway. What a coincidence it was that we caught a train on the day of the funeral. I knew you did it, and now every time I catch a train, I just laugh.

Adjusting to a new life was a struggle. You taught me how to do a lot of things in life, but you never taught me how to do it without you — that was the hardest thing I have ever taught myself. In March, I got a tattoo on my right wrist. It's your handwriting with Psalm 46:10 underneath it: "be still and know I'm with you." I know you're always with me, Gram. I even wear a necklace with your fingerprint on it, but sometimes it makes me miss you even more.

You would have loved June. We've had Jordan for just over a year and I decided to throw him a "gotcha day" party on the day we adopted him. We both wish you were there because everyone knew how much you loved my bunny. Carmen also moved to Vegas in June, he really could never have done it without your support throughout the years. You would have laughed seeing me struggle to check in his golf clubs as my second bag.

Fall was the hardest without you, Gram.

In August, I got a new car, I finally drive that white Jeep that you always said if you could buy it for me, you would. Your birthday passed in early September. That was a hard day, it sucks when you try to text or call you one more time and the phone tells you that the number has been disconnected. The hardest day of fall was my birthday, we were supposed to go to Vegas to see Carmen — I was finally the big 21. Instead, I went to a local bar with my friends and waited for a call from you that I knew was never coming.

Fall was not easy but I knew you were watching over me.

I know everyone says the first time doing something without someone is the hardest but I wish I had a warning how hard the holidays would be. We usually love Christmas, but this first Christmas without you was the worst. Something just always felt like it was missing and that's when I struggled with missing you the most.

You never think the last time is the last time.

I would do so many things to see you one more time, have one more shopping trip, and even one more Sunday dinner. It hasn't been easy without you, but I know that you are always watching over everything I do. I hope Heaven is full of Grey Goose martini's and "Grey's Anatomy" reruns.

Thank you for being my best friend, Gram. I am who I am because of you. I hope I'm still making you proud. I miss you, Grandma, so much...and I love you forever.