To start everything off on a good note: I don't hate you. I never did, and I never will. I know that neither of us meant to hurt the other on purpose. We just weren't right for each other like we really thought. And even though that sucks, its just life. We can't change it. We can't force it. We just have to accept it and let it be. Also, please don't feel like I am writing this for pity or to talk to you. I think it is best this way.

Things were not right, and they were not right for a long time. I think we were just both scared to acknowledge it because of what we went through in our past. All that matters is that we tried each time things went wrong. We tried really hard. Even when no one knew we were struggling. I remember the moments of being at work, forcing myself to pretend things were okay, when they weren't. I remember thinking we were going to break up, but then we fixed it and things were okay again.

My first real relationship made me cautious to things that didn't seem right. When similar situations happened, I got scared. Sometimes I would know how to fix it and other times I just felt so lost. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want things to end badly like my first. I wanted things to work out. I really did.

I enjoyed you a lot. And I loved you more than you believe. I loved spending nights with you, cuddled in bed after we helped your dad shovel the cars out of that snow storm. I loved when we would go on dinner dates to Plaza Azteca and eat endless amounts of chips and salsa and jamming to the fun Spanish music. I loved the nights spent inside watching sports or when I would do homework while watching you play video games. I loved coming over to jump in bed and cuddle in silence. I loved our bowling dates and how competitive we got. I really loved those. I loved mini golfing, even though I was awful. I loved watching you hit balls at the course to show me your golf skills. I loved Post Malone car jams and singing Miguel's "Skywalker." I loved pizza and Chinese food nights. I loved the family trip to Hawaii. I loved everything. I loved you.

Towards the very end, things got messy. We had that moment where we were so on edge we didn't talk for the day. You did your thing and went fishing and I stayed home to swim and do summer course work for school. It sucked. But I didn't really know how to feel. We had another moment later of fighting so badly, we couldn't even speak to each other the whole car ride. My stomach had the biggest knots in it that night, leading into the next day. It was just so shitty…

When the breakup came closer, we had a horrible day. You didn't really want to end it, so you searched for ways for me to do it. But I didn't want to let you down. You needed me. You told me days before that you needed me. I wanted to continue being there for you. But then, suddenly, you didn't want me. You did, but you didn't. And I know its hard. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't know how to help you and be there for you. But if we're being honest, you didn't seem to know how to be there for me either. It was like God was telling us it was time to part ways after a year of memories. It sucked. It really sucked. But I knew it was for the best. That night, we got to my house and things just went wrong.

You ended things. I knew it was what needed to happen. I agreed. But you didn't like that. You told me I didn't deserve anyone and would just be looked to for sex by other people. You ended up leaving after I begged you to stay because I didn't want you driving upset and with a couple drinks in your system. My family tried to get you to stay. You didn't want to. You kept saying that I did this. That it was my fault. I called you and asshole, and you left. I texted your dad to tell him and to make sure you got home safe.

We talked the next day. I was so lost. I didn't know what to do. I knew taking you back would ruin things. I went to your house with my friend to get my things that you left out for me while your mom was at work and you were golfing with your dad. I said one last goodbye to your dog. It sucked.

We talked in person to say one last goodbye. It was hard. I was left confused, but it was needed. I didn't know what to do. You gave me flowers, which was thoughtful, but I couldn't accept. I didn't feel right keeping them, but I didn't want to throw them away because I just can't do that. So, I put them on my friend's grave for her to enjoy.

I don't want to act like I wasn't at fault either.

A couple days later, I was spending time with some friends. One of which was a guy. He ended up kissing me. It was unexpected and shocking. But, I was single, so I didn't react much. I let it go. We ended up cuddling that night. We were all watching movies on my friend's bed. She only had a TV in her room hooked up because she had recently moved into her new apartment. I guess you assumed something crazy happened when you saw my snaps of all of us hanging out. Because you asked me the next day if I did "anything." I was honest because I've always been. And we broke up so it shouldn't matter. I understand it was fast, I get that. I know you think I threw everything down the drain. I was lost. Confused. Learning. I felt so unloved towards the end of our relationship. All we did for months was argue. Even in Hawaii and at my friend's pool party we fought so much. I was mentally exhausted. I'm sorry for looking to him for comfort but he made me feel some sort of emotion that I was missing.

Naturally, you called me every word in the book after. You repeated things you told me previously. You said I was going to be "nothing but a piece of meat to men." I hate writing this because I don't want to make you out to be the bad guy. But just know, that hurt. Just like the things you said to me before we dated and while we were together. And it isn't true. None of it is true.

I only went to him after you. I haven't gone out with anyone else. I haven't kissed anyone else. I'm not sleeping around. Though him and I don't get to see each other in person anymore, he is still one of my best friends. But I'm not the person you said I was.

I haven't been myself lately. I've been in a constant state of anxiety and sadness. Its weird being single. I miss your family a lot. I hope you're all doing well. They meant as much to me as you did. It was nice to have a second family to be there to encourage me in school, to spend holidays with, go to the bar, and Hawaii (which I feel so guilty for). I am willing to bet they hate me. I don't hate any of you guys. I loved you all so much. I hope everyone is doing okay. I miss them. I hope things end up right for you all. You're such a happy family.

If you're seeing anyone,I hope it works. Don't rush if you're not sure. I know there is someone perfect for you. She's going to love you so much and you're going to have a great life together. I remember telling you that before. I hope she loves you so much that you can forget about the pain we caused each other. I hope you succeed. I hope you have that amazing little family you dream about. Things will work. I pray for you a lot. I'm still working on myself and I hope you are too. Good luck and aloha.