To the unempathetic people in my life,
If I’m being honest, I’m lost at this very moment. I’m at work, sitting at my desk, crying because a flood of emotions have overtaken me...and I am lost.
I’m not empty.
I’m not depressed.
I’m not scared.
I’m not confused.
I’m not hurt.
I’m not full of anxiety.
...or maybe I am.
Life has a funny way of kicking you when you’re down. Maybe I am all of those things, but I do not know. There is no understanding all of the feelings I have built in my heart.
I feel as if I have taken bricks made of GUILT, SHAME, FEAR, SADNESS, CONFUSION, GRUDGES, and PAIN, and built an unbreakable wall around my mind. It may be comprised of many negative things, but from the inside, I feel protected. I see a wall that pain cannot get through. It just adds itself to the outside with the rest of the miserable feelings. When I shut down, my wall strengthens. When I get angry, my wall strengthens. When I get sad, my wall strengthens.
But sometimes, the mortar strikes of life, shake my wall and weaken it. That’s when it becomes my job to dig up hurt from the past, use it to make more bricks, and repair my wall.
The worst part of it all...sometimes I wish that wall wasn’t there.
Sometimes, the wall blocks the sunshine in my life. The laugh of a child does not phase me. A hug from a loved one doesn’t touch me. The “I love you” that I hear means nothing. The happiness I once felt from memories of someone I lost, is nonexistent. Instead of allowing sunshine in and taking care of me, the wall reflects sunshine off of my life, and onto someone else’s. I guess this is just a part of pretending to be okay.
Nothing means anything, and everything means nothing.
Other times, little things slip through the cracks of my wall. These little things stick to me like I’m some type of fly trap. No matter what I do, I can’t get them off of me. They run through my head like a broken record and beat my soul like a child does a piñata. They wake me up, and yet the tears they cause put me to sleep. They cause me to be inconvenienced, and yet they provide an excuse to not leave my bed.
But oh, don’t those little things build up so quickly...
They build up until I can no longer fit inside of my wall. I bust through and become lost in the dust of the explosion. Sunlight cannot reach me because of the ash that surrounds me. You have done nothing but made things worse. You have forced me to face constant criticism. You have not allowed me to grow on my own terms. You have judged and abandoned me when I need you the most. Because of this, I am convinced that I don’t need your help. I can get up on my own. Because of that, I push you away.
My wall is gone, I am wounded, and I am once again unprotected.
I once again feel everything, and this time it means something.
and once again...you are gone.
but I need you.
