The past few weeks of my life have been pretty crazy: I’ve had a few mental breakdowns, clawed my way through midterms, and failed miserably to stick to my workout routine. You get it: I’ve been struggling. But now it’s spring break, and what better way to spend my week back home than by chilling in Starbucks sipping on coffee and catching up with friends with a fresh manicure? In the midst of the chaos that is my life, I’m coming to the realization that something big is approaching: I’m going to be 20 years old in less than 2 weeks.

The strange thing is, I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel wiser or more mature. I feel like the same old Maya I’ve always been. Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely learned a thing or two in the years of being a teen and have come a long way, but I still feel as mediocre as I did when I first entered adolescence. Maybe mediocrity is just apart of my personality. Anyways, the point of this rambling article is to reflect and anticipate the future.

For starters, I want to bid adieu to that weird semi-emo stage I had when I was thirteen. What can I say? I was obsessed with vampires, punk music, and my black eyeliner pencil was my best friend. I want to say bye to all the fake girls I was friends with that I desperately tried to impress. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have the amazing besties that I do now. I want to bid adieu to all those wretched teen romance novels I could not put down. We had some good times but let’s be real, you belong on the shelf and I belong out in the world. I want to say goodbye to all the horrible clothes I owned before I realized you don’t have to be 21 to shop at Forever 21. And while we’re on that note, let’s say goodbye to the caterpillar eyebrows I had before I discovered threading. I want to bid adieu to all those dreadful high school mornings, the secrets I hid from my parents, and crappy music I used to listen to. But most importantly, I want to say goodbye to the awkward and timid girl that was so afraid to be herself and speak her mind.

But then there are the things I’m going to miss: late night adventures past curfew with friends under the summer stars, getting dolled up for prom and school dances, not caring about anyone but myself. There were good moments, but some of the things I enjoyed at one point don’t interest me anymore. In college, I’ve had a taste of adulthood already and I’m honestly not sure if I’m cut out for it, but I have no choice. And even though those teen years were hell, I’ve grown to see things in a different light and have realized that it’s not all about me (shocker). Each of these things, the cringeworthy and the sentimental, embody my adolescence/childhood, and I think I’m finally ready to say goodbye.

I’m on the edge of entering something new, and that makes me erratically nervous. Being considered an actual adult is terrifying, and I don’t think I’ll ever feel like one. I don’t think anyone ever does. Hello random health problems, credit scores, and pressure to get married and have kids! I’ve arrived. People say these are the best years of your life. I sure as hell hope they’re right.