Over the summer, I decided that since I was officially a Cool New York College Kid, I'd start listening to the Alternative Music XM radio station in the car in order to live up to this sick new image of mine. Through this, I found Alt-J, a supposedly-English Indie rock band.

I say "supposedly" because when listening, I have no way to be 100 percent sure that they're speaking an actual language, let alone English!

When I'm driving alone, I like to obnoxiously and embarrassingly sing at the top of my lungs, but with alt-J, I could never freaking do that.

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK THEY'RE SAYING.

My friend (another Cool New York College Kid, of course) pointed me towards a YouTube video where two high teenage boys make a song that sounds just like any song by alt-J (while eating rice cake! How's that for multi-tasking!), in that they're just saying a bunch of gibberish to a good beat (and it ain't half bad).

Check it out:

Okay, yeah, so that video was fun, but it doesn't answer my burning question: WHAT IS ALT-J ACTUALLY SAYING?!

I can't be the only one wondering this.

Maybe only truly cool kids know what they're saying, like another language I just can't understand.

But I don't think that's the case.

So I'm gonna look up some lyrics (which I honestly haven't even thought to do until now, ha ha!).

Here are the supposed lyrics to my favorite alt-J song, "Fitzpleasure (plus my own commentary in italics)":

[Intro: Alt-J]

Tralala, trala, tra-a-la, la
Tralala, trala, tra-a-la, la
Tralala, trala, tra-a-la, la
Tralala, trala, tra-a-la, la

This much I understood and can sing to. Moving on!

[Chorus: Alt-J]

In your snatch fits pleasure, broom-shaped pleasure
Deep greedy and googling every corner

What.

[Verse 1: Alt-J]

Dead in the middle of the C-O-double M-O-N
Little did I know then
That the Mandela Boys soon become Mandela Men
Tall woman, pull the pylons down
And wrap them around the necks
Of all the feckless men that queue to be the next

Am I the only one not getting this?

[Bridge: Alt-J]

Steepled fingers

Ring la-la-la-la-la leaders
Queue jumpers
Rock, fist, paper, scissors
la-la-la-la-la Lingered fluffers
(The choir)
In your hoof lies the heartland
Where we tent for our treasure, pleasure, leisure
Les yeux, it’s all in your eyes

Seriously, what is going on here?! They threw some friggin FRENCH into that last verse! WHY?!

[Chorus: Alt-J]
In your snatch fits pleasure, broom-shaped pleasure
Deep greedy and googling every corner

I just realized that this might be kind of dirty, actually.

[Outro: Alt-J]
Tralala, trala, tra-la, lalalalalalala
Oh, blinded by the lights

I think I understood this part?

So yeah... that was, uh, even more nonsensical than I initially thought it was, if that's even possible. The only lyrics I correctly wailed in my car throughout that whole song were the "tra-la-la's" and "steepled fingers." I mean, none of that is coherent.

But it sounds so good (I mean, THAT BASS DROP THOUGH), it defies all laws and reason. They're conning us all, I think, and I respect it.

So my verdict is that this is what alt-J is saying. It is not English, it is a hybrid alien hipster language used to make money and sick beats. Glad we could learn something new together!