My parents are facing double graduations this spring, one from high school, one from college, so my dad booked us a summer vacation in Hawaii to celebrate.

My sister thus decided it would be a great idea to give Dad a Hawaiian shirt for Christmas. I agreed.

21 December 2016.

I happened to be driving down Route 9, shopping-central in eastern New Jersey: two, three, or four lanes of highway, running north-south from Newark to Cape May, speckled with stop lights, littered with jug handles, polluted with poorly-placed road signs and horribly-distracting advertisements, lined right and left with shopping centers and strip malls and parking lots. The speed limit ranges from 50 to 55, but the average Jersey Driver enforces a solid 60 when conditions permit. More often than not, however, Route 9 is plagued with bumper-to-bumper traffic, so drivers end up moving somewhere between 10 and 40.

After meeting my mom at a Starbucks near where she works and stopping at a Vitamin Shoppe to pick up a gift for my sister, I drove to The Mall. Its official name is The Freehold Raceway Mall, but it happens to be the closest mall to home, so “The” and “Mall” have always been enough.

First I went to Macy’s. There were sweaters and snow jackets galore—winter clothes—which meant short sleeves and bathing suits were ‘out of season’… Uh oh. There were no “Hawaiian” clothes anywhere, except for a few size-triple-XL shirts in clearance. Aloha, Macy’s.

Then I tried another store, and another store, and another store… every place in which men’s clothing was sold, including places with surfboard displays! I even stopped in Dick’s and L.L. Bean. Same deal: either no Hawaiian shirts, or supersized Hawaiian shirts. I stumbled upon the Tommy Bahama section in Lord & Taylor and in Nordstrom, but, um, being a college student, I realized I could buy either ONE new Tommy Bahama shirt, or one new wardrobe. Aloha, Mall.

Next I went to Marshalls. Nada. Then I tried Target…

Finally! Affordable Hawaiian bathing suits! I bought two, hoping my dad would like at least one.

Then I drove home. I had spent a grand total of SEVEN HOURS on Route 9 that day, and I was more than ready to say Aloha.

23 December 2016.

I had an appointment in an office on Route 9, so I mustered up the strength to say, “Aloha,” once again. Then I stopped in T. J. Maxx in attempt to find a Hawaiian shirt. Nothing. Then I looked in Kohl’s. Supersized and hideous. But I found the Nike pants my sister wanted to buy her boyfriend, so Mom met me there with her coupons and her Kohl’s Cash.

Then Mom and I went to Livoti’s to purchase Italian goodness for Christmas. And we found…

My sister agreed: Perfect gift for Dad!

24 December 2016.

My dad and I were driving home, not on Route 9, and he said something to me that make my stomach lurch:

“Now I wanna buy all you girls Hawaiian shirts for Christmas.”

So I asked him, without betraying my ongoing quest to find him one:

“Where?”