No one tells you how to feel when you lose something, especially when you lose everything. There are expectations however, to feel lost, sad, angry, pretty much any negative emotion you can think of.
But there are feelings, and emotions no one tells you about. There are unexpected realizations that no one discovers until they’ve truly lost everything.
This summer, my grandfather passed away. It was an expected death, since he was sick for quite a while. But it didn’t hurt any less.
I didn’t see him very often, since my relatives took care of him out in California. The times i did see him were full of sarcasm and laughter.
He was an incredible man and raised an incredible woman, who is now my mother.
After he passed, I wasn’t sure what to feel. I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to feel distraught, but at the same time it felt like something out of the puzzle was missing.
This was that feeling: I would never get to see his face again in person, or hear his voice as much as I cried and begged. It’s just not possible. That inability was crippling.
Going into my second year of college I wrote a short story about losing him: I titled it “What They Don’t Tell You About Losing Your Mom’s Dad.”
Each section was an anecdote from his life, or how I remembered it. The twist: each section went in alphabetical order.
My favorite section was B.
Bruce the Cat
Your grandpa had this really old cat. He was about 30 pounds overweight and walked around like an orange tiger, his appearance to small for his personality. He only ever let you hug him. Your grandpa used to say it was because you smelled and he liked that, or maybe it was because your grandfather yanked his tail so much he was just looking for a little love.
He was your grandfather’s ex-girlfriend's cat. When she passed away no one knew what to do with him, but he grew a liking to your grandfather’s scowl, and they were a match made in heaven.
I had this essay class reviewed, most enjoyed it, applauding how I presented his character even if I didn’t know him as well as most people.
A day after my review, I received a phone call from my mother, who informed me that my grandmother had passed away. Although not entirely unexpected, the feeling was.
I was the only one of my siblings who could make it out to the funeral. I saw my grandmother in an open casket, read the Bible for the service, and held my mother’s hand.
It was probably one of the two hardest days of my life.
No one tells you how death feels.
No one tells you that people will look at your parents and tell them they must feel like an orphan. As your parents, they’re supposed to comfort you. But now the roles are reversed.
What they truly don’t tell you about death is that it’s permanent. No one really thinks about that.
I went from having two grandparents to none in the span of six months.
I still haven't let that sink in.
There will be no more birthday cards signed "Bad Grandpa," no more Christmas envelopes, no more double birthday cakes because my grandma wanted my twin and I to each have one.
It's been nearly a month, and I’m still mourning to this day, but I’ve found some peace. Through my grandparents' death, I’ve come to realize they people they truly are.
My grandmother was a writer, just like me. She was an associate producer at NBC. She was 17% of women at her college to graduate. She was a feminist. She was strong. She loved her son. She loved me.
My grandfather served in the Korean War, was brilliant, and could make me laugh like no one else could.
People loved both of my grandparents dearly, and to hear other people speak of them as “the deceased” opened my eyes to sides I never saw of them.
I hold my middle name with more pride now, as it was my grandmother’s maiden name.
As cliche as it sounds, I am trying to avoid taking people for granted, as anyone can be lost. Whether it's a significant other, a best friend, a pet, or even your grandparents.
I know at least someone will tell you that death really sucks, because it does. It makes you grow up, but what they don’t tell you is that it gives you grace, peace, and maturity. It gives you an understanding for all that your parents sacrifice for you.
Thank you for a beautiful life, Grandpa Young and Grandma Nash.
You are dearly missed.
