Abandonment. A pretty scary word, don't you think? When you think of abandonment, you usually just think loss, giving up, forgetting, etc. I am living in a place where abandonment actually means getting something better. That something better being more Jesus time, better relationships within the community, appreciation for our American comforts, and a deeper understanding of what the heck is going on inside your head. I am volunteering in Northern Uganda this month with an organization located in a refugee settlement. The nearest civilization is about two hours away. Our compound looks big in size, but is small in comfort. My team only has three places to be: alone in our tents, on the dirt ground underneath a tree, or in the office where we get in the way while we are just trying to find some cool air. We have abandoned comfort in all areas of our lives this month.

Photo by Nicole Rowe

I was excited, at first, to spend this month completely unreachable. I wanted to read, I wanted to write, I wanted to create, and I wanted to watch my favorite movies a million times without my squad's judgment. My expectations were punched in the face with: "we only have electricity to charge your items for a little bit each day," "water and food is hard to bring out here, you will be left hungry most of the time," "there is no quiet place to be here without everyone around you looking for the same thing," and "ministry is light so you will mostly observe." Obviously, these words were not said directly to us, but were shown through actions. I keep telling my struggles to my teammates and they always reply, "God has something good for you out here." But does he? When I think of lessons I could learn out here, I usually can only think of one. God is showing me I can handle just about anything if I can handle this.

I have felt trapped. I have had anxiety knowing I can't physically go anywhere until we leave for Kenya in a few weeks. I have felt useless in ministry, I have felt sluggish from lack of protein, and I feel like I don't have much else to give. It's a pretty crappy feeling. For someone who lives off the thrill of iced americanos and energetic ministry schedules, I am forced to abandon my habits and routines. Africa is very "go with the flow" and anyone who is hyperactive automatically wants a plane ticket home. I am being forced to abandon being productive in my definition of productivity. I am trying to figure out the gain of this whole month and what good will come out on the other side, but only one word comes to mind… freedom.

Photo by Nicole Rowe

Freedom from the anxiety I would wake up a million times a night with back in the states where I would have to turn and write a random task on my phone so I wouldn't forget it. I would wake up to 30 tasks that were very silly like, "find that one piece of paper you didn't need until now, but don't actually need." I have freedom from constantly feeling like I need to do something, when in reality, I can read a book in my hammock and be content. Freedom from feeling like my time with Jesus has a time. I don't need to plan out how much I am going to read each day to finish a goal, I can simply just read when I want to and when I'm in the headspace. Freedom from worrying about what I'm eating because I have no choice out here and nothing to ever snack on. Freedom to be able to just go on a run freely and jog my angst out. Angst is a real thing at any age and mine shows when I'm not active. I am freely living in freedom with a 3g instead of 4g speed that I paid for. (I should explain, they have a connection out here since we are working beside the government, so yes we have the internet to connect with since we do data and research).

I get home from being a full-time missionary on December 1st and have big decisions to make about my future. This month, I can focus on spending time with God and making those decisions. This may have been the only way God could have connected with me to come to a conclusion because I was so caught up in the world. He "forced" me into abandonment just so I can look towards my future gain or maybe God is not trying to specifically show me something… maybe He just wants His daughter to experience a different kind of peace. Peace within herself.