I spend a lot of time in my own head, with my scary "alone thoughts". They seem big and troubling, like something I have to conquer.
The biggest thing I find myself thinking about is the past. I know what you're thinking, "it already happened, you can't do anything to change it." I know that, I promise I do. But these past decisions and actions find their ways out of the deepest, darkest crevices of my mind and become all I can think about; and I know I am not the only one having this problem.
You see, I find myself in this loop where I push the choice I made out of my mind and try to forget about it so hard, just so I can move on. This has proven time and time again to be ineffective. It all comes back to the surface. Every time it does, the thoughts that come with it are darker, the amount that I do to repress it is harder and the level I reach in ignoring it just makes it prominent in my head for longer.
Past me made a choice. In that moment, whether it was a good or bad one does not matter; she did it. Instead of running away from the choices of past me, I want to confront them when they come back trying to haunt me.
These choices that I made and the consequences or benefits that came from them are starting to affect my current self way too much, and this version of me does not deserve that.
When I get so caught up in my past self and past events, I tend to forget about me now. I am so different now. I have grown a lot from my past self. I tend to put those changes on the back burner, when they should be a reason to stop feeling so badly in the first place.
Nothing holds me back more than this semi-insane notion that making a choice now might cause the same outcome. I stop myself from doing things- new, different, or things I have already done before.
Overall, I am just tired of having to battle with something that already happened and with a version of myself that no longer exists.
Recently, when the scary "alone thoughts" make their way to the surface and I am faced with the memory of choices that I made and what came of them, instead of running away and repressing, I confront them. I'm talking metaphorical-fighting-in-the-middle-of-the-streets-with-my-mind type of confronting.
I have to say, it has not been easy.
Questioning your past self and getting right with whatever came of what you did hurts. But really, there is SO much of anybody's past self that may not resonate with you anymore. I know I don't.
I also know that since I made these choices in the past, I have grown so much, and some of those choices allowed me to grow!
All I really want is to get right with my past actions and my past self so I can stop holding myself back now. So, I am taking accountability for the past. I am apologizing to myself while simultaneously forgiving myself so I can move on.
There are so many different things my past self did that I don't love today, that I wouldn't do today, because I have changed since. I am trying to be okay with that. Past me was growing, doing her best with the options in front of her and fighting very hard to get me here now. None of that should hold me back today.
If you are feeling the same, maybe you should join me in confronting and forgiving your past self too. It will probably be rewarding for all of us in the long run.
Sheetal Tadiparty
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