Before you appeared, I felt confident in my abilities as a taekwondo student. There was no kick, punch, block or strike that I didn't think that I could do, and I knew that I was capable, but you've managed to convince me otherwise.
I first met you two years ago as I was first practicing the sidekick that I was planning on breaking the board with during my belt test. You knew that sidekicks aren't my favorite kick to do and that I had no other choice, so as soon as my heel bounced off the boards for the first time, you took my hand. You took my hand and dragged me along the unfamiliar road of self-doubt. I shook you off and escaped your grasp just in time for my test. You knew how important this test was to me, so you found me just as I was about to set myself up to break.
You stood next to me, silent as you watched me miss the first attempt. Then, you tried to take my hand again, but I shook you off as I was preparing for the second attempt. You didn't have to say much because once I missed my second attempt, I started running down the road of self-doubt and I've been running down it for the past year while you've been chasing after me.
My sweat from running down the road of self-doubt began to soak into other things, not just that sidekick that I was supposed to break with. It began by trickling into other parts of taekwondo before it eventually began to stream into my personal life and other important parts of my life to the point where I was drenched. So, I did what any person who has been running for too long does... I stopped. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of thinking that my seven years of hard work and dedication is not enough to push me through a set of boards. I'm tired of tearing down my every individual move, thinking that I don't know how to do a sidekick. The same sidekick that was taught to me during my first taekwondo class and the same sidekick that I've practiced thousands of times. I'm tired of thinking that I'm not capable of knocking you down Mental Block.
I want you to know that as soon as I break those boards at my next test that we're through. Sure, I know that you'll try to come back, but I won't let you take a hold of me, not after this past year. So, goodbye for a long time, if not forever.
XOXO, Therese
P.S. I'm NOT going to miss you.
