If you ever find yourself in Rockford, Illinois and need to grab a bite to eat, there are a few restaurants in particular that should always be your go-to. These are the best places to eat in Rockford.
1. Smile all the time.
Guys want to be with girls who are always happy. Men get severely uncomfortable when all the women around them are not Cheshire cat level elated all the fucking time. Why are you mad? Why do you look so pissed? Are you defective? Autopilot your brain to borderline creepy giddiness before men get the idea that you might actually be capable of a full range of human emotion.
2. Be smart.
Men want women to be smart, but never smarter than them. Don’t know or say anything too much about anything specifically – except sports.
3. Eat like a man, look like a lady.
How many burgers can you fit in your mouth at once? Better, even, how many hotdogs? Have the appetite of a grizzly bear, but eat like a cute tiny rabbit, or Kate Upton faking an orgasm. Oh, and never, ever get above a size 4.
4. Play video games.
No guy can resist a girl who loves to play video games (in her underwear). Fifa, 2K, Smash, Kart – know them all. If you can’t at least beat his worst friend at his favorite game, you’re not a keeper.
5. Love beer.
If you can’t throw ‘em back like one of the guys, you’re not wifey. Yeah, that Norwegian IPA no one's ever fucking heard of? You got it. Bud Light? Sure. Fat Tire? You love that shit. Feel free to let out that beer burp while you’re at it, but the burp you’d imagine a Japanese dwarf squirrel would let out after eating rainbows. Oh, and don’t forget, size 4.
6. Be a freak, but also a nun.
We all know that lyric (thank you, Ludacris, so much). Hit those yoga poses hard because he wants you to bust that shit out like you’ve done it before. But you haven’t … right? Have you?!
7. Keep him on his toes.
No man wants a woman who is predictable and boring. Challenge him. Keep him intrigued. Drop an F bomb every now and then. Learn a foreign language in your spare time so that you might give the illusion of being exotic in bed (Slavic languages sound super sexy). Induce yourself into an epileptic seizure. Whatever it takes to keep it interesting.
8. Have quirks.
Ah, quirks. The things that make people unique. The things that make people, people. You must have at least three of these but no more than five. Think relatable Stepford Wife.
9. Be hot.
This is potentially the most important, and luckily I don’t need to tell you how this works. Look at anything. Anywhere. That ever existed.
10. Never, ever get mad.
The worst thing you can do as a woman is challenge a man’s authority. Don’t talk back. Don’t think. Don’t have expectations. Sit. Roll over. Hold the bark.
And finally, in the spirit of strong conclusions and remarkably appropriate GIFs:
This is it early 2000's babies, a compilation finally made for you. This list is loaded with things that will make you swoon with nostalgia.
1. Not being accepted by the late 90's kids.Giphy
Contrary to what one may think, late 90's and early 00's kids had the same childhood, but whenever a 00's kid says they remember something on an "only 90's kids will understand" post they are ridiculed.
2. Fortune tellers.Giphy
Every day in elementary school you would whip one of these bad boys out of your desk, and proceed to tell all of your classmates what lifestyle they were going to live and who they were going to marry.
You could never read this book past 8 o'clock at night out of fear that your beloved pet rabbit would come after you.
4. Silly bands.upload.wikimedia.org
You vividly remember begging your parents to buy you $10 worth of cheap rubber bands that vaguely resembles the shape of an everyday object.
The joy and excitement that washed over you whenever you saw the gym teacher pull out the huge rainbow parachute. The adrenaline that pumped through your veins whenever your gym teacher tells you the pull the chute under you and sit to make a huge "fort".
6. Putty Erasershttps://www.pinterest.com/pin/385972630558152185/
You always bought one whenever there was a school store.
7. iPod shuffle.
The smallest, least technological iPpd apple has made, made you the coolest kid at the bus stop.
8. "Education Connection"
You knew EVERY wood to the "Education Connection" commercials. Every. Single.Word.
9. " The Naked Brothers Band"www.youtube.com
The "Naked Brothers Band" had a short run on Nickelodeon and wrote some absolute bangers including, "Crazy Car' and "I Don't Wanna Go To School"
10. Dance Dance Revolution
This one video game caused so many sibling, friend, and parent rivalries. This is also where you learned all of your super sick dance moves.
Going to school with fear of your Tamagotchi dying while you were away was your biggest worry.
12. Gym Scooters
You, or somebody you know most likely broke or jammed their finger on one of these bad boys, but it was worth it.
13. Scholastic book fairsc1.staticflickr.com
Begging your parents for money to buy a new book, and then actually spending it on pens, pencils, erasers, and posters.
Who knew that putting yogurt in a plastic tube made it taste so much better?
15. Slap Bracelets
Your school probably banned these for being "too dangerous".