What's better than going to an extremely hot theme park in the middle of the summer with most of your extended family? Probably, literally, anything else. But as my family and I embarked on a trip to do just that, I couldn't help but be excited.
In my family, theme parks are everything. I have been to numerous parks over the year and have become quite the professional when it comes to sweating profusely in summer while waiting in line for a five-minute ride. Oh, the joy of family vacations in America!
Anyway, as I am in the middle of my umpteenth theme park experience, I thought it is about time that I offered my list of complaints to the establishments that control most of my summers. Instead of tropical getaway, this is where I'm made to spend my time, and by golly, y'all need to fix some things before I'm forced to visit again.
1. The location
Why in the world do you all insist on being located in the warmest of climates?! Look at your clientele! Most of the people that go to theme parks are families, with toddlers, who are very prone to getting sticky, hot, and throwing tantrums. So putting them in a place where it reaches one thousand degrees every day is probably not the greatest idea. Honestly, it's a pretty terrible move on your part.
2. The music
I get it. You love to play the theme song for every character and show imaginable. The ride is enough. Instead, for the sake of every parent and everyone over the age of five, please play some decent music. One decent song every 20 minutes would stop the ringing in my ears.
3. The lines
The lines are inevitable, but that doesn't mean that you can't make them easier! Make it so people don't have to jump on the hand rails for a minute of relief, while also risking cracking their skulls on the pavement. Instead just install three benches per row. Is it really that hard? Maybe even mention how many rooms you'll have to wait in before reaching the actual ride so we're not getting our hopes up every corner we turn. False hope makes people unhappy at the theme park.
4. Cold water fountains
I understand you want people to pay an astronomical amount for water, but as most of us paid hundreds of dollars to come to the park in the first place, the least you could do is keep the water fountain up to par. If case you can't tell, people start sweating the second they step on to theme park soil, so some drinkable water would be best for everyone involved.
5. Free ponchos
Due to the mostly tropical climates (see #1) it is not unusual to be caught in a midday thunderstorm in the middle of a theme park. I prove this point with three pictures from theme park vacations showing me in a bright yellow, hideous poncho. As thunderstorms are a common occurrence, and no one wants to leave because they've spent over a thousand dollars to be there, the least you could do is to offer free rain gear.
6. Stop taking pictures
Cameras are something we all have. We have phones, that have cameras, thus we will get the vacation photos we need. Having a professional photographer approach us at every turn is just aggravating. We can take a photo, we've paid a lot of money to be here, please go away. My sweating in public is uncomfortable enough.
7. Keep killin' it
As much as I complain, hate the heat, and can't stand spending unnecessary money, I will never stop coming back. Why? Because at the end of the day, theme parks like Universal Studios and Disney, make our dreams a reality. They make our favorite characters, movies, and TV shows come to life. When I first stepped into Harry Potter world (nerd alert) I cried, because I couldn't believe I was seeing my entire childhood imagination laid out in front of me. In a world that could always use a little imagination, a sweaty and crowded theme park is honestly a dream come true.
