1. Thursday, Aug. 13, 2015

"At approximately 5 p.m., James Young jumped the fence into a restricted area of Cedar Point, the Ohio amusement park, to retrieve his belongings after they fell while riding the "Raptor." He was then struck by the moving rollercoaster and died immediately."

There's definitely a reason why amusement parks have signs that say restricted in big, bold, red letters. Wouldn't have just been easier if he notified a worker that his belongings fell while riding the rollercoaster? (Yes, it would have been easier because it resulted in his death).

2. Friday, Aug. 14, 2015

"A Wales police helicopter catches Nicholas Evans urinating on a woman's dog. A drunk Evans was caught on the police camera urinating on a building. When a woman and her dog walked past him, he turned and urinated on the dog as well. He faced £405 in fines after pleading guilty to a public order of offense."

Is this considered zoophilia? Could peeing on animals be considered a fetish? If I get caught for public urination during Mardi Gras, I have to sit in a jail cell until the city opens back up. But this guy pees on an innocent dog and he only has £405? Unfair.

3. Saturday, Aug. 15, 2015

"Stuart Valentino was kicked out of his home by his wife after tattooing a giant penis on his leg. He tattooed a 6 and a half inch penis on the inside of his leg so it stuck out of his boxers. His wife said that she had enough and ended up leaving him, taking their four children with her."

See the photo of Valentino and his tattoo below:

The part of the story that I find funny is that the tattoo gun used to ink said penis on his leg was given to him by his wife. It's like leaving a pre-pubescent boy alone with a plate of cookies and a sharpie asking them not to touch either while you're gone. And of course, you return, with an empty tray and a d*cks drawn everywhere.

4. Sunday, Aug. 16, 2015

"Curtis Breitbach, a man in Iowa, reported his car stolen to the Black Hawk County Sheriff's Department. He later admitted to the police that he drove the car into the lake himself. He was arrested and charged for filing a false report, reckless driving, leaving the scene of an accident, failure to maintain control, and no insurance."

Rule of thumb here, don't lie to the 5-O. It will come back and bite you in the butt.

5. Monday, Aug. 17, 2015

"British photographer, David Yarrow, booked a photoshoot in Detroit's Packard Plant. But what he didn't tell the plant workers was that he was bringing some animals with him, the animals being a tiger, two wolves, and a bob cat. The tiger unfortunately got loose and hid itself on the fourth floor of a staircase. Detroit native, Andy Didorosi, was then called in to help with the removal of the tiger. He brought a weed wacker to try to scare the tiger with loud noises. In addition, he also put on blue tarp to try and scare the tiger. This only made the tiger upset. Thankfully the trainers were able to get the tiger back into its cage."

See the photo of Didorosi aggravating the tiger with a weed hacker below:

A tiger, two wolves, and a bob cat??? Are you opening a freakin' zoo? How do you even obtain these animals, let alone transport them to Packard Plant. Also, a guy under a blue tarp with a weed wacker is hardly terrifying. This dude should have gotten mauled.

6. Tuesday, Aug. 18, 2015

"A Chinese couple let their child defecate on the cabin floor of their plane. Both bathrooms on the plane were vacant at the time. When asked why they didn't take their child to the bathroom, they said that the plane bathrooms were too small for three people to fit in. A witness stated that the parents seemed very indifferent about the fact their child was taking a crap on the floor and told their child to take his time. This incident upset many of the passengers (as it f'ing should) who then stated that airplanes should have a blacklist for passengers who behaved like that."

I'm no expert on parenting, but I'm pretty sure this is just wrong. Like so wrong. This child is going to be scarred for the rest of his life. He's going to grow up as "that kid who took a sh*t on the floor of a plane". God help this poor little boy.

7. Wednesday, Aug. 19, 2015

"Florida man, Charles Tucker Jr., was found dead in his house by his girlfriend. After getting into a drunk argument with her, she kicked him out of the house. He attempted to sneak back in through the cat door. While attempting to sneak in, he got his head and arm stuck in the cat door. He was found dead the next morning."

This is kind of sad because the dude died. But it's kind of funny. I sort of chuckled when reading it. Does that make me a bad person? But, let's be real, picture a grown man caught in a cat door. I imagine it looks something like this: