Well, suddenly those Santa statues you see at ShopRite on Halloween (don't ask, long story) aren't so out of place anymore. That's right, the Christmas season is underway, and thus we must partake in our most honored Christmas traditions. Putting up the Christmas tree to Christmas music, checking the news to see how Starbucks is pissing off the "War on Christmas" crowd this year, and watching Christmas movies that (lets be honest) are not that good. Don't get me wrong, there are some legitimately great Christmas movies (I will fist-fight any person who doesn't like Elf). But, you can't really deny that we seem to be very forgiving of most Christmas movies; that's why movies such as Jim Carrey's Grinch are watched every year. Which makes it so interesting when you see a Christmas movie that is so bad, that it uses up all the preconceived goodwill audiences have toward it and more. That is why we are gonna look at five of the worst Christmas movies you will ever see.
5. Christmas With The Kranks
We all know of Tim Allen's memorable role in The Santa Clause. This Christmas movie, doesn't work out nearly as well for Buzz Lightyear. This movie sees a couple (played by Allen and Jamie-Lee Curtis), decide to forgo celebrating Christmas to go on vacation. This enrages the entire neighborhood, who decides to make their lives miserable until they sub-come to their selfish desires. That's what Christmas is about, right guys? The film's biggest crime though, wasting Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle.
4. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas
Even the most passionate Christmas lovers will tell you that the out-of-control materalism of the holiday is a big problem. Don't tell that to Kirk "Don't Ask Him About His Views On Gay Marriage" Cameron, who spends the entire run time of this movie drinking empty cups of cocoa and linking several Pagan Christmas icons to the Bible. To the list all of the made-up bullshit that comes out of this film would take too long. On top of the awful acting and out-and-out lunacy, the film can't even pander to its audience. There is actually a scene where two conspiracy theorist party guests start comparing the "War on Christmas" to other conspiracy theories, with one of them proclaiming "I saw it on Fox News, so you KNOW it's true". Seeing as the film's supposed target audience both watches a lot of Fox News and believes that there is a "War on Christmas", this scene makes fun of their beliefs. No wonder your attempt to hijack Rotten Tomatoes failed, Kirk.
3. Last Ounce of Courage
Speaking of the "War on Christmas", you know that right-wing uncle we all have that spends the entirety of Thanksgiving Dinner complaining about a store employee wishes him "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?
This is what happens when he makes a movie about it.
This movie ticks off all of the "War on Christmas" talking point: having Winter Break instead of Christmas Break, a "holiday" play instead of a Christmas play, lies about how the government want's to get rid of Christmas, etc. They even got stock footage of Bill O'Reilly yelling about (eww). On top of that, the film is incredibly obvious in its analogies. The main characters are called "the Reveres". Subtle. The grandson is named Christian Revere. Even more subtle! The villain of the movie is an African American politician from Washington D.C. OH MY GOD THE SUBTLETY!!!! The film is doomed from the start, as no reasonable person could ever get into the idea of Christmas being a dying holiday.
But, perhaps the biggest sin this movie commits is the exploitation of the men and women in our Armed Forces. There is a scene in the movie where the main character stands on top the roof of a missionary, and tells a crowd that our fallen soldiers are wondering if they "died in vain". Basically, this man is using the deaths and sacrifices of service members as an excuse to complain about how other people have different beliefs than him. Why does that sound familiar?
2. A Christmas Story 2
Kirk Cameron, THIS is why materialism and commercialism are bad. Undoubtedly one of the most unnecessary (and worst) sequels of all time, this film falls to capture the joy and magic of the original. You'd have a better time sticking your tongue on a cold pole on a triple-dog-dare than watching this movie.
1. The Star Wars Holiday Special
Guys, this isn't a joke. THIS. IS. REAL. Search your feelings, you know it be true! We're talking about a special so bad, that George Lucas wants nothing to do it. Keep in mind, this is the same man who thought Jar Jar Binks was a good idea. When you watch this special, you will a great disturbance in the Force. It will feel as if millions of voices carried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.
