America is one of the most obese countries in the world? Our Presidential candidates are treated like circus animals? McDonald's chicken nuggets are still legal? Nonsense. On the Fourth of July, we must put all the negatives aside and look at the good of this country. In case your love of America has dwindled since last Independence Day, here is a list that will make a tear fall out of your eye as you let out an earsplitting screech of a bald eagle.
1. Bacon
Where else in the world can you find a bacon covered everything? Bacon milkshakes, bacon taco shells, bacon cupcakes... this is real, people. While I don't partake in the consumption of bacon, it seems as though every other American in the world does. Enjoy your heart disease, people.
2. American attire
Picture this: You're strolling the aisles of Kroger, admiring the beautiful sushi, wondering if you can get married in the organic produce section, and BAM! You spy with your little eye an American flag/bald eagle polo. Also, if you're a true 90s child, you'll remember the Old Navy flag tanks that your mother likely forced you to wear. These kinds of eyesores are pure American. Our attire blinds you? Sorry!
3. Diet Coke
Anybody who knows me at all knows that Diet Coke is my kryptonite. I've tried giving it up many times, but all it has to do is say, "Baby, come back" and I'm there (don't point out to me that Diet Cokes can't talk). I have America to thank for the unhealthy relationship I have with a drink. So thank you, America, for making such a tasty poison for me.
4. Walmart
If you are a resident of Jonesboro, AR, and you have stepped foot in Highland Walmart after dark at any point of your life, just know you have a lifetime of my utmost respect. Really, any Walmart in any town is pretty terrifying, especially if you've ever looked up "People of Walmart." It's the most horrific yet American grocery store that we all love to hate.
5. Canned cheese
What? You mean cheese isn't grown in a spray can? The concept of cleanly putting your cheese on a cracker is good, but when you actually look at it... It doesn't get more American than suspiciously delicious, mushy, smelly, portable cheese.
America may take a lot of hate, but just remember, "They hate us cause they ain't us," as the kids say. Take today to enjoy some horribly dangerous fireworks and be grateful for the world's most dramatic breakup letter (The Declaration of Independence).
