I love a good depression nap.
Whenever you want to avoid thinking about your inevitable decline or stave off the insatiable urge to drop out of college and open a rural farm, a depression nap can take away all of those silly feelings!
Before you take your depression nap, you want to make sure you've had a hearty depression meal! You need to eat enough to hate yourself more or sleep for twelve hours. If you have long hair, be sure to put it up so you don't wake up with matted patches! This trick works best if you haven't washed your hair in a week. Greasy hair really stays in its place and I find it easier to work with (especially if you have a signature trash bun!). Finish off that 15th cigarette of the day, have a nice depression meal, and prepare yourself for an all-consuming slumber.
1. Your room
Ideally, you're going to take your depression nap in your room. Shove all of that depression clutter off of your bed and get ready to rid yourself of your overwhelming desire to forget your meaningless existence!
To make this depression nap even better, I suggest keeping that pile of used water bottles, coffee cups, and food packaging (you know the one). You're making art here.
If anyone tells you that your glorious pile needs to be thrown away, remind them that architecture is the very foundation of our society.
(HA! Get the joke? I'm QUIRKY!)
2. Your Couch
If you're too lazy to make it to your bed, you can always use your couch. The more uncomfortable it is, the better. If the couch is hard to sleep on, you're destined to lay awake, admiring your stippled ceiling while thinking of new, innovative ways to self-destruct. You'll eventually fall asleep right before the time you were planning to wake up. If you're lucky, you'll remember that you were supposed to get that darn paper in two hours ago, so now you get to fuel your self-hatred! WHEW!
The key to the couch depression nap is to not have a blanket or pillow. Remember, you want this to be as uncomfortable as possible. This is a thought-provoking depression nap.
Once again, the depression nap becomes complete if you have the illustrious trash pile sitting next to your couch. The trash pile is key, people.
3. That One Trashy Bench
You know the one. Maybe it's by a bus stop, sitting in the middle of the street, or by a store. I'm going to assume you probably have no means of transportation aside from public transit (like me!) or use uber, and that's if you can afford a fancy driver that asks about your life accomplishments while blasting the same top 50 songs over and over as you stumble over words and pray that the ride will be over as soon as possible.
If you nap at that one trashy bench, be prepared to wake up without your belongings.
If you live in a small town, this may not apply to you. The law-abiding, churchgoing citizens would never steal your precious belongings as you take your much-needed depression nap. Poor thing, must've been so tired.
This depression nap will be miserable and look miserable, which matches exactly how you feel! How appropriate. You'll be hearing chatter and movement as you drift in and out of your futile, trivial consciousness.
4. A Public Restroom
So, for this depression nap, you'll probably want to find a solitary public restroom. If you can't find one, you can always use a restroom with multiple stalls. Someone might knock and interrupt your depression nap, but that doesn't matter. It only adds to the experience.
You can either sleep sitting up or laying down for this trick. I've slept on the floor of a public restroom before and it was one of my most memorable depression naps. The cold, hard concrete and dim lighting makes you really wonder if you've finally hit rock bottom. Could this be it? Is this the epitome of what a useless existence looks and feels like? In my experience, yes, this was definitely rock bottom!
(AHA! Get it? I AM QUIRKY AND SPECIAL)
5. On Public Transit
This depression nap is for the wanderer. You might fall asleep and end up in an unfamiliar place, far away from your destination. Once again, this only adds to the depression nap experience.
You can always just stay on the bus until it makes another round so you can reach your destination. The extra time spent waiting around because of your screw up gives you time to reflect on your mistakes. Chances are, the extra time you have for introspection will only add to your depression! Yippee!
Anyways, you're going to want to sit in a window seat or all the way at the back. If the bus is crowded, just go with the window seat. Be sure to scowl at anyone who dares to sit next to you!
