Call me morbid, but I have always possessed what some may call an "unhealthy" fascination with serial killers. For those of you readers out there who feel a trickle of unease at this gruesome proclamation of mine, I suppose that I must expatiate:
1. I neither admire nor condone the actions of such killers.
2. I, like the majority of the world's populace, find such individuals terribly frightening.
3. YOU clicked on the 'Life Lessons from Serial Killers' article... does this not arguably indicate that you possess a few morbid tendencies of your own? (Note: statement does not apply for those of you who thought this was a piece on breakfast food).
Anyhow, as an individual with fairly extensive knowledge of serial killers, I consider it my civic duty to inform the public of the various life lessons I have learned throughout my years of research on the subject. I have no doubt that these lessons will entirely change the way you view the world and its occupants... or at the very least waste five minutes of your life.
1. Ted Bundy: Pretty is as pretty does (in this case, murder)
My mother always told me that being good-looking does not equate to being a good person. Well, it looks like she was right, because check out infamous serial killer Ted Bundy. Though he may not look like a lunatic convicted charged with the rape and slaughter of more than thirty women, trust me when I say that you would not want to meet this guy in a dark alley (or a well-lit, public space for that matter). Known for his charming charisma and dashing good looks, Ted stands as a chilling example of a real wolf in sheep's clothing.
2. Mary Bell: Age is just a number, baby!
In 1968, 11-year-old Mary Bell was charged with the murder of both 4-year-old Martin Brown and 3-year-old Brian Howe. After confessing to branding Brown's body with the letter 'M', Bell supposedly responded to police astonishment by simply saying, "Murder isn't that bad; we all die sometime anyway". As Bell was only 10 years old at the time of the murders, she was released from prison after only 23 years served. To this day, because of a strict court order protecting her new identity, the public remains unaware of Bell's whereabouts. Think about that the next time you're on a blind date!
3. Ed Gein: Beware a man with 'mommy issues'
If you have ever read or seen the film adaptation of Thomas Harris' novel Silence of the Lambs, you already know a thing or two about serial killer Ed Gein, who served as the inspiration for the character of Buffalo Bill. Gein purportedly murdered at least two women and illegally exhumed several corpses from local graveyards in an attempt to create a life-sized 'woman suit' of his deceased mother. By the way, when I use the term 'purportedly', understand that I am being optimistic-- upon searching Gein's home, police discovered a decapitated body, four noses, and a pair of lips-made-attached-window-shade-drawstring, amongst other items. This wasn't a particularly difficult mystery to solve, even without Gein's eventual confession.
4. Fred & Rose West: Many hands make light work
If you thought ONE serial killer was scary, just imagine TWO serial killers working and living together. Fred and Rose West were a British couple convicted of the torture and murder of at least 12 young women and girls, including members of their own family. The pair usually committed the crimes at their home in Gloucester, often disposing of the remains on their own property. Although Fred admitted to his crimes and eventually hung himself in prison, Rosemary never issued any sort of confession. Today, their old residence is known to locals as 'The House of Horrors'.
5. David Berkowitz: Watch where you park the car!
If you had killed six people and were running away from a team of two hundred NYC police detectives, it would be understandable if you suffered a momentary lapse in judgment and accidentally parked your car in front of a fire hydrant. Unfortunately for David Berkowitz, a female jogger witnessed his illegal parking job and called the cops. Ironically, after his incarceration, Berkowitz later claimed that he was taking orders from his pet dog at the time of the murders. I guess it's true what they say about canines and fire hydrants...
Well folks, that just about sums up all the life advice I've accumulated from serial killers thus far in my life. I hope that this article has either provided you with some comic relief from your mundane serial killer-less life, spooked you beyond hope of a good night's sleep, or provided you with a few valuable life-lesson tidbits.
