1. Do I Actually Know the Deceased?

It finally happened. Ol’ Uncle Herb passed away from being too stubborn. Naturally, you’ve been invited to the funeral. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen that side of the family,” you think.

You arrive at the funeral. A Catholic service? How cliché. You scan the pews. It occurs to you there are no familiar faces. Wait, there’s cousin Doris… maybe? Nope, it’s just a sack of potatoes dressed up like a baby.

Do not fret; not knowing the deceased is a very natural part of funerals. However, it’s rude to leave midway through the service, so it is imperative you take advantage of the situation.

2. When Can I Start Drinking?

Ideally, the answer to this question is immediately upon entry. You’re nervous that you don’t know anybody, but what better way to meet new people than to get buzzed and bond over a shared experience? That experience, in this case, being death. “Glad it wasn’t me,” you slur.

Uh oh. People are looking at you now. Faces are angrily wrinkled in your direction. You’re questioning your own mortality. Maybe you aren’t the dead one, but you sure wish you weren’t alive in this moment.

3. Does God Exist?

You continue pondering mortality whilst facing public scorn. Maybe this is what it feels like to die? Everyone puts your life under a lens, dissecting every wayward thought, every drunken attempt at small talk.

If this were heaven, you wouldn’t feel such shame, you tell yourself. And if God exists, then why did ol’ Uncle Herb have to die?

The feelings are too much, so you run to the bathroom to get some fresh air. The pallbearers carry the casket through the hallway, and in your mad dash for sanity, you stumble into the casket, sending ol’ Uncle Herb’s corpse crashing to the floor. The sight is overwhelming, but another question enters your brain.

4. What's That Smell?

Every funeral has a specific smell, you tell yourself. This one’s is just a little different, because there’s a corpse on the floor and it’s your fault. It stinks. “Glad it wasn’t me,” you stammer again as you bolt the other direction, hoping to find the bathroom and escape to another dimension.

Rounding a corner, you nearly bump into a beautiful woman, decked in black lace. She’s got two black teardrop tattoos and you’re unsure if they are temporary for the occasion or if "Orange Is the New Black" was based on her life.

“Excuse me,” she voices.

And her voice is perfect. Of course it is. This leads your brain to one more question, which you, unfortunately, ask out loud.

5. Is It Weird That I'm Horny?

We’ve all seen the movies where the sleazy character preys on grieving widows and in this moment, you realize you’ve thrust yourself into that position.

“I’d like to thrust you into a position,” you, once again, unfortunately state out loud. The woman’s expression is blank. You’re losing her.

“What’s your name?” you ask.

“Cousin Doris,” the bag of potatoes you’ve drunkenly mistaken as a human replies.