1. Shampoo makes your clothes come off.

Ladies, we all know that shampoo is an amazing thing. Shampoo causes your clothes to come off, even hours after you have showered, when your hair is dry and you've wandered into a forest.

2. Shampoo can weave your hair into a dress.

Say goodbye to buying clothes! Using shampoo gives your hair the power to weave itself into a full-length dress, with strong volume and a healthy shine. Ladies, if you dream the same way I do, you've always wanted to show off your upper waist/side stomach/lower rib cage, but only in triangles. With shampoo, those dreams can become reality.

3. Shampoo makes your clothes come off, then wraps your hair around your neck in an attractive noose.

Ladies, we already know that shampoo makes your clothes come off, and it can take that another step step further. Shampoo can cause your clothes to come off, then wrap your hair around your neck in a fashionable noose. This hair noose can be used to hold Saltines during snack time, or simply as a fashion statement to show the world how well you know how to use shampoo.

4. Shampoo can transform you from a human being into a hair tornado.

We all have days when we get tired of being human women. Perhaps the hair dress is not fitting as well as we would like, or the forest we usually wander into after we shower has been taken over by wolves. We've all been there. On days when life is too much to handle, shampoo can save us by turning us from people into tornadoes of hair. I've done it so many times, sometimes I feel that I am more hair than woman!

5. Shampoo makes your clothes come off, then wraps your hair around many stalks of bamboo.

The powers of shampoo just do not stop. Shampoo can make your clothes come off, then wrap your shiny dry hair around various stalks of bamboo. This can hold you in one place, preventing you from going into the world and doing troublesome things like "working," "solving problems," or "thinking."

Those are the scientific powers of shampoo, ladies. Enjoy your hair dresses, your shower forests, and your tornadoes. Have fun with shampoo, but be careful. Stay away from doing unsafe things like leaving the house, or imagining that your body is anything more than an object that can be put on display to sell hair products.