Fall Retreat. Where do I begin?
Well, for starters, I had no idea what to expect. So I couldn't say that beforehand that I was excited to go. I was curious to see what would happen more than anything. I knew that I would be spending some time worshiping Jesus and going outside occasionally, and that was about it. I also knew most of the people that I was going with, which was definitely a plus. I didn't realize that God was going to come into my heart and move everything around (in a good way).
Previously on this blog, I've unveiled the messy truth of what it's like to be living with constant anxiety and how my God defines me more than the anxiety does. It might have been the first time that I was completely honest on here, which was terrifying. Luckily, I've gotten nothing but support from those around me, and their understanding of what it's like has only increased. With that support, on Friday night (the first day of retreat), I asked my small group to pray over me that there would be peace/ abandonment of anxiety.
In the past, I don't think I've really given that to God. I've kind of come to terms with it being the way that it is, and it's unable to change. However, it was shown to me on Saturday that it IS possible to be without anxiety. I reflected on my day and realized that Saturday had been my first day of true peace in roughly five months. And you know what? Thank God.
He's SO GOOD. I was delivered fully from my anxieties for an entire day, and there was so much freedom in it.
This past weekend I also realized that there's not a wrong way to worship, as long as you're praising Jesus. I grew up in a traditional Lutheran environment and I was always taught that if everyone's standing up to sing a song, you stand up. If everyone's sitting down, you have to sit down to sing. And don't you DARE raise your hands, because everyone might look at you as if you have three heads. It was all very traditional hymns, which never made me feel like I truly got to worship Jesus, and I was lacking that in my walk with Christ.
What did I do this weekend? A lot of things that are traditionally out of character with everything that I just said. During worship on Friday night, everyone else was standing up and worshiping, and I retreated to my position of surrender, which is sitting on the chairs with my legs crossed and my hands facing the sky, laying on my knees. That is my true position of "God, here I am, do with me what you want". And I realized that it's okay. It's okay to sit down, pray, and surrender yourself to him, and it doesn't make the worship any less genuine. I also kneeled during worship, and that was new. But the most fun part was realizing that it's okay to dance and move around during worship too.
Do you know how they say that there are angels protecting you always? Well, Saturday during worship, I felt like we were all dancing together, and it was phenomenal. It's fantastic to show Jesus how much you love him in whatever form you choose to do so in. I just think of him saying "look at my sweet child whom I love, dancing to praise me" or something like that.
Also, on Saturday night after worship, it was announced that the sanctuary would be left open for anyone who wanted to stay there until about midnight. After experiencing an entire day filled with absolute peace, I decided to stick around for a little bit. So I chose a section in the back, and put my stuff down. What I did next truly was entirely out of character for what I'm normally doing. I decided to lay flat on my back like a starfish while the worship music was playing. And it was AMAZING. I truly felt the absolute peace of God, after having such a restless heart for so long.
Fall retreat was also super cool because the love of God was shown through the people of God. Literally, everyone surrounding me was on absolute FIRE for Jesus, and it was amazing. My life group is phenomenal, and I got to interact with people in our entire section that I never get to see. So basically, I got to make new friends who made me feel so loved instantly.
I have always had a hard time believing that I'm loved, but two small ways that I was reminded came in the form of the guys from our section writing us women cards and telling us how much we're appreciated and a friend of mine coming up to me, sitting me down, and telling me that I'm beautiful. And I almost cried during both of those encounters.
I realized something about beauty on fall retreat too. I realized that true Beauty is found through Christ. I realized that I am the most beautiful that I will ever be when I'm in the presence of my Creator. He made us in his own image, and when I'm reflecting that behavior and praising Him with my entire heart, I feel so beautiful. When I make decisions that don't reflect Christ and try to find beauty in other things, that's when I end up feeling empty.
Overall, I now understand why everyone around me was so excited about fall retreat. This weekend I learned about the true peace of God, and how he encounters us when we're worshiping him with our full heart. I learned fully that my God is SO much bigger than my anxiety (for real this time). I also learned that our God loves to spend time with us, and I need to work on doing it more often. Most importantly, I learned that our God is so good. He's our Redeemer, Savior, all-knowing, and all-loving creator who will never give up on us- no matter how many times we run away from Him.
"Whoever drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:14
