31 Things I Would Tweet If I Actually Tweeted

31 Things I Would Tweet If I Actually Tweeted

If I'm not the only one that thinks these tweets are funny, maybe I'll activate my twitter!


In case you were wondering, I actually do have a twitter. I was required to created one for my senior English class in high school, and I think I tweeted twice. I haven’t used it since, but if I did, these are some of the things that I would tweet (in no particular order).

  1. We went to a thrift store today and Jenny bought an exit sign to hang in our room. #roommategoals
  2. Jenny and I started listening to Christmas music on the exact same day without even realizing it. #roommategoals
  3. I accidentally ate a family size package of Oreos in three days.
  4. It’s not really the freshman fifteen anymore, it’s more like the junior thirty-five. #quotesbymack
  5. In an effort to put away some extra money, I have been saving $20 a month… except I missed the last ten months.
  6. I’m getting to that age where if I eat too many calories I have to take a nap.
  7. I’m not even kidding. If I get lunch at Culver’s I have to clear my afternoon.
  8. Me: I have to record all the Hallmark Christmas movies! Sis: they’re all the same Abby
  9. Me: I’m shook Sis: never say that again
  10. While I was babysitting I took a drink of water and a two y/o said “you’re very hydrated Abby” A FREAKING TWO YEAR OLD
  11. Guess who ate all the left over sweet potato soufflé #thisgirl #ilovesweetpotatoes
  12. I got tired of telling people I had surgery on my foot so I told my uncle I dropped a big jar of peanut butter on it. He believed me.
  13. Dad: can I watch something for once? Me: but it’s a “Suite Life on Deck” marathon
  14. I pay a squillion dollars to go to this school and they still can’t afford enough toilet paper
  15. Overheard in class: “if you added just a dollar to everyone’s tuition…” “you’d have like $1200” #juissmall
  16. Overheard in our hotel lobby: “ they have 21 forever and other stores like that”
  17. Me: so what have you been up to Grandma? Gma: I made a pillowcase yesterday Me: exciting

19. I nudged and I nudged but I couldn’t get my friends to build a fort in the lobby

20. *Opening Christmas presents* Sis: what dad really needs from Santa are hearing aids Dad: what’d she say?

21. Person *looks at my watch* How do you read that there’s no numbers on it

22. So I had a care package full of homemade cookies last night and when I woke up this morning there were only three left. The cookie culprit is yet to be found…

23. I found a creepy porcelain doll dressed for Mardi Gras and wrapped it up for a white elephant

24. We bought a new artificial Christmas tree this year and my dad had to get one with a remote

25. The lights on our Christmas tree have SEVEN FUNCTIONS. I repeat SEVEN FUNCTIONS

26. Dad: we can’t get a 12 foot Christmas tree, it won’t fit in the living room Me: Christmas is the season for miracles

27. Me: *turns up thermostat* *three days later* Dad: WHO TURNED UP THE THERMOSTAT?! Me: *side steps out of the room*

28. *watching home alone with four kids* Kid: Did you know that boy is like 45 now?

29. Kid: This movie takes place in the olden days Me: yeah 1990

30. *watching Home Alone 2* Kid: how come that doesn't look like Trump? Me: because that’s how he looked in the olden days

31. Me: decorating Christmas cookies relaxes me... Also Me: *stresses about the color of the icing*

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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