No, this isn't a story filled with scary statistics about the dangers of drinking eggnog. Rather, it's a rallying cry for everyone who's ever been given a "What's wrong with you?!" glare for turning down a cup of the stuff. You're not alone, nog-nixers. You're not alone.

1. The Texture.

It's somewhere between sawmill gravy and Pepto Bismol, neither of which should be consumed by the mugful. However, it may be just thick enough to caulk bathroom tile, so you could use it as a hygienically unsound way to renovate your shower. I wouldn't exactly call that a win though.

2. The Calorie Count

The average 8-ounce glass contains 223 calories, but let's be honest: Rarely do you drink just 8 ounces of something (many mugs hold 10 to 15 ounces, depending on size). Assuming you don't go for a refill and stick to just that cup though, I can think of many more satisfying ways to down 200 calories.

3. The Mere Fact That Hot Chocolate Exists.

Why, oh why, would you choose eggnog when you could have a cup of hot chocolate? European drinking chocolate is every bit as thick and rich as nog; and it's chocolate. For a lighter take, you can opt for a packet of Swiss Miss. Plus, you can have mini marshmallows bobbing around in it! You could put mini 'mallows in your nog, sure, but they'd probably start drowning in the gelatinous goo, forming a blobby morass that looks kind of like what happened to Stay Puft when the Ghostbusters crossed streams at the end of the 1984 classic. Enough said.

You know what's a much easier way to get your drink on? Try an apple cider mimosa or an Irish Cream-infused white hot chocolate. Or just pour a glass of wine. No worrying about how Aunt Bunny made the drink; you're still just as likely to do something Snapchat-worthy by the evening's end.