I'll never forget the first time I ever felt slightly offended. It was my Senior year of high school in my science class. For some reason, we were going around the class asking everyone if they ever smoked weed and when it came time for me to answer someone butted in and said, "She would never do that, she's too shy and innocent."
Now, he was right that I hadn't smoked weed (fast forward to today and I've done it many times). But to just assume that I wouldn't do it because I'm too "shy" and "innocent" is offensive to me. When it comes to my love life, you could say I was a late bloomer. My first boyfriend was at 15, my first kiss was at 18, my "first time" was at 22, and the first time I said those 3 words and "thought" I meant it was at 22.
As I've gotten older and gone through my fair share of love, heartbreak, awkward dates, hookups there's been a lot I've learned, 24 to be exact.
Oh, and sorry mom, because these get T.M.I.
Old-fashioned romantic gestures are lovely and need to be brought back.
I'm talking opening doors, surprising you with flowers for no reason, getting dressed up and going out on a fancy date type of romantic gestures. Maybe it's my love for 60's films, but I'm kind of over an emoji with a winking face or eggplant to count as flirting and romantic in this day an age. Because let's face it, as much as I loved and appreciated the gesture and it really made my entire day, I shouldn't have to have my mom be the first person to surprise me with flowers.
Alcohol will only temporarily numb the pain.
To say I spent a lot of my weekends after my breakup with a continuous empty glass of gin and rum and cokes would be an understatement. A lot of times I didn't even want to go out and drink. But I knew if I didn't I would stay home and overthink and bawl my eyes out. Although alcohol can be nice sometimes and give you a good feeling, it starts getting old when you find yourself spending more time face down in a toilet than at the bar with friends.
Consent, consent, consent.
I shouldn't have to say anything more about this. But from my experiences some guys don't understand this simple word. And more times than less the words you'll say to them will go in one ear and out the other. So, please, know your worth and don't walk over to a boys dorm room at 2am who only wants you for your body and not everything else.
Getting over someone by getting under someone can work.
Speaking from personal experience, all I can say is it took a new guy, one night and ten minutes to make me orgasm and it took my ex over what felt like a half over to even get close.
Being assertive is attractive.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm not one to put myself out there, my mom's been telling me to do this for years. But ever since my ex broke up with me I've found that person hiding inside me that's been waiting to come out. So, I'll give a guy my number first, lean in for the kiss first and ask the uncomfortable questions because I'm sick of getting played around like some toy.
Communication is key.
Something I had a hard time learning and in fact, never fully learned in my last relationship. Whether it be about a situation, something on my mind or even something in the bedroom, I couldn't do it. I'm a very shy person and when there's someone in my life that I should feel comfortable to talk to without a problem, it just wasn't the case with him. It's something I know I need to work on and one day I will.
If he doesn't like the way you dress or wear makeup, dump him and put on your brightest lipstick and tightest dress.
Because it's not about wearing and looking a certain way to get a guys attention. Sometimes it's about realizing the person you were before you let someone control you.
Your first time isn't magical.
I honestly don't remember that much from my first time. There were no rose petals leading to the bed, millions of candles lit in the room or music playing in the background. All I can remember is it didn't last long, it hurt and when it was starting to happen my ex stopped and said in my ear, "Kirstie, you're having sex." I know, superrrr romantic.
Your friends will always be there for you.
I was a terrible friend when I was in a relationship. I would cancel plans with them last minute, decide to stay in with my ex because he didn't want to go out, and would only talk about him when I was with them. When it ended, I didn't think any of them would want to help me out because of how much I pushed them out of my life. But they were there, for every tear, every conversation and every hug and words of advice. I'm happy to say I've never been closer to them.
Don't say those three words if you don't mean them.
When my ex first said them to me, I meant it when I said it back. But as the months went by I didn't feel the same way. I felt like I said them out of routine. And when he questioned me about why he always said it first I was too scared to tell him the truth. That I said it out of habit like a broken record and needed to hear him say it first because no man in my entire life ever meant it when they said it to me.
It's better to cry than hold it in and let it fester.
I thought I was being the bigger person, by not crying and showing weakness. I didn't want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he hurt me when he moved on so quick. So I went on with this idea of being a bad b*tch. Posting selfies here and there for everyone to see. And for a while it worked. But then you can be getting rid of clothes in your closet one night and come across that black dress you wore on his birthday and find his uniform shirt and when you breathe it in it still smells like his Axe deodorant. And then you find yourself with tears rolling down your face until you're a wreck on your bedroom floor. So, just cry dammit.
Don't blind yourself when you start to see the red flags.
If I would've gone with my gut feeling I could've dealt with less heartbreak when I wanted to breakup with my ex 5 months prior. But I was too blinded by the idea of this love I had with someone and all our plans that I stayed with it, thinking it would still last and everything would be perfect.
Give yourself time before going back on dates or talking to people.
I wasn't really one to do this. Not even a day later I was back on dating apps. I think I did it more so I could get attention from a guy or guys again. But then I started to take a step back and realized that the people I was talking to back then wouldn't last more than a single date, kiss or hookup.
Single is the new sexy.
Not to bash on people who are in happy and committed relationships. But I can't tell you the last time I felt more secure and beautiful than when I became single again.
Block and delete everything.
When you go and take your trash out, do you go back outside to check up on it? Then stop doing the same to your ex.
If he doesn't let you listen to Taylor Swift, he's not the one.
Enough said.
Just because you're alone, doesn't mean you have to feel lonely.
I get it, it's Saturday night and everyone including your ex is out and having fun. Meanwhile you're at home doing nothing. I had some nights and weekends where I felt that way; hopeless. But it's during those times where I was able to reconnect with myself and see that I actually enjoyed and missed having alone time instead of always feeling like I needed to be with someone 24/7.
Loving someone can be exhausting.
Being in a relationship is hard. It's not always rainbows and glitter and your problems and fights can be solved with a simple magic trick. Relationships are not like the movies where everything is happy go lucky. It's behind the scenes where you're crying and contemplating yourself and everything you thought you knew. Stop romanticizing rom-coms, they're fake for a reason.
Your heart will heal and beat stronger for someone new someday.
Maybe it doesn't feel like that now. I know it doesn't feel that way for me. And as much as I can go on dates and connect with someone, doesn't mean they can fix my heart like that. It's going to take some time and some really great person to do that for me.
Boys with beautiful eyes have the sharpest tongues.
Let me be clear, if a boy yells at you, it is not the "intense" love we all search for. Nor is it any better when they apologize by shutting you up by kissing you and promising they'll never do it again. Only to go back seconds later. No person is worth that.
If you don't like someone ghosting you, don't do it to that person you're not interested in.
In other words, just be honest. I'd rather have someone come out and tell me they don't see this going any further than have them continue to lead me on or worse, never reply back to me.
Being picky is not being selfish.
I'm 24 years old. I know what I want and what I'm looking for. I spent a year and a half wasting my time with someone who didn't know what he wanted. I'm not going to waste my time on someone. Because if I wanted to text someone without anything ever happening, I'd go back to high school.
Never change anything about yourself to get someone to like you.
That's how you lose yourself. And believe me, it takes a long time to get back to the person you used to be.
I still don't know what love is.
Throughout everything I've been through, the good and bad, the intense and fleeting, I can't say that I have that L word figured out. But I know that whatever is waiting for me is going to teach me it. And I can't wait to fall in love one day.
Going to the cinema alone is good for your mental health, says science
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