Being vulnerable with others is a very scary feat for me. I am not the best at showing people my emotions, and a lot of people would describe me as "closed off." I'm not too sure about how to tell other people if I am sad or angry or why I am sad or angry. This obviously is not my intention; it just kind of happens.
I didn't see my lack of vulnerability to be a problem in my life until last week. That is when I realized that being vulnerable with someone else is the key to having a healthy relationship.
I went on a 5-day trip to Bald Head Island in North Carolina, and I stayed with a guy I liked and had been talking to for a while. For the first few days, we got along great. Our personalities vibed, we were constantly laughing, and just the mere fact of being in each other's presence was enough to make us happy. However, the last 24 hours did not resemble the first four days of our trip. I had become stressed out with school, and I made up a scenario in my head that the guy I was with didn't like me anymore. So, I shut myself out. He knew something was off, and he tried to talk with me about it, but I just wouldn't have it. I wouldn't let myself be vulnerable.
After we parted ways and I got on to the ferry to go home, I began to get teary-eyed because I was so frustrated with myself for not letting him in, for not allowing myself to be vulnerable.
However, someway, somehow, he was not willing to give up on me. After a few texts and a long phone call later, we had talked about everything that happened over the last 24 hours. I told him why I felt the way I did, and he listened. Who knew that communicating how we feel can have a huge impact on our relationships?
Even though at the moment I felt miserable about the entire trip, I now realize that God used this trip to make me stronger. He allowed me to walk through emotional waters to get to where I needed to be.
God allowed me to make the first step into letting myself be vulnerable with others. It will take a lot more work than just flipping a switch from being not vulnerable at all to totally open, but I am now willing to take the first step in recognizing my lack of vulnerability and talking about it.