1. For an early morning flight: UGH I have to get up so early for this.
Followed immediately by complaining to everyone how early you have to get up. We were not made for flights before the sun comes up, or anything before the sun comes up for that matter.
2. Wait, how am I getting to the airport…?
Followed immediately by everyone you know suddenly having plans. I guess I'll just take my horse guys don't worry. Thank god for Uber.
3. I wonder if my bag is too heavy…do I really need four pairs of shoes, six pairs of jeans, nineteen shirt options, and three sparkle dresses?
It’s a two-day trip…you need more shoes.
4. What liquids can I bring in my carry on? Is that still a thing? Does mascara count as a liquid??
You cannot bring your brand new full size bottle of “No More Tears” …but you CAN BRING your hair straightener and nips of alcohol. Even for your 6am-er. No judgement.
5. Security is taking foreeevvvverrrrrrr. *insert eye roll emoji here*
Seriously people how hard is this: TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF. YOUR CAR KEYS WILL SET OFF THE METAL DETECTOR. NO YOU CANNOT BRING YOUR SAMURAI SWORD.
6. Where is my gate???
Why, is every airport, the tri-wizard tournament maze from Harry Potter? Why hasn’t teleportation been invented yet?? AND FOR GODS SAKE WHERE IS THE STARBUCKS?!
7. I wonder if they’ll ask for volunteers to change flights…
Not that anyone is trying to get dragged off a plane. And we’re all in agreement that it was all totally wrong. But come on…we all have loans and rent to pay, so we've ALL thought about it.
8. Where is my seat, please not the middle, please not the middle…
DAMN IT. It’s the middle. No fancy Instagram pics out the window. No leg room on the aisle. Just cramped middle awful for the next X amount of hours.
9. I hope the people sitting next to me aren’t weird…
Seriously people, stop the coughing. We get it, you’re trying to infect us all with your influenza. Keep your ill comments to yourself, Bob from South Dakota, really glad your great-nephews 3rd birthday party was well worth the trip.
10. I have to stay awake long enough to get beverage and snack service.
Waking up to see that you’ve missed it, is quite literally the WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN. Now you have to sit there in silence wishing you had taken that 3pm nap instead of staying up all night for this flight because now you have to work twice as hard to get your soda and free chips.
11. When the captain says you’re experiencing minor turbulence: OH GOD ITS HAPPENING
This is it everybody. Tell my third grade crush that I will always love him. Followed by prayers that you don’t crash because you have so much you want to do in life. And also because your mom would go into your room and see how much of a mess it is. When is the last time you saw your floor anyway?
12. WHO’S BABY IS THAT???????
Why is there always a baby. WHY is the baby always crying. It’s cool, we’re all for people freely travelling with babies and small children, we’re not monsters… but trust me when I say we cannot possibly turn DJ Khaled up any louder. But it is usually a good reminder if you forgot to take your birth control. Major key.
13. Phew, cleared for landing.
Made it through the flight without having to pee even once. Probably because you missed the beverage cart… Or because Bob has asleep on your shoulder since hour two. Either way…time to go!
14. Why is everyone rushing to get up?
Seriously? Like seriously people. The cabin door isn’t even open yet. You’re wasting your energy being anxious to get off the plane first. Especially you, GUY ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK. Take it easy guy, you’re gonna be here for a while. There are at least three old people and 5 strollers on this plane.
15. Where is baggage claim, oh god why is my bag so basic.
Once you manage to find the carousel, you stand there for what seems like an eternity just waiting. WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG. Slowly reaching for every black bag until you realize you really need to get your travel gear figured out. And also that your bag is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, the last one to come out.
16. DONE! FINALLY GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Success! You made it to your destination. First, time to wash your hands of all the filth and dirt and gross that is the general public. Second, time to brainstorm ways to afford your own private plane so you never have to do this again.
