15 John Mulaney Quotes And Jokes To Get You Through The Day

This is going to sound bad, but it takes a lot for me to laugh out loud. Sure, I will chuckle at jokes and find things funny, but to make me belly laugh is a whole different story. I have never found comedians to be that funny and never thought I would. But then John Mulaney was introduced to me, and let me tell you, he is hilarious. Everything that comes out of his mouth is quotable and I use his jokes to respond to people every day without fail. Here are only some of his hilarious quotes and jokes.

1. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair."

His Bill Clinton bit is one of the highlights of his show, “The Comeback Kid," and I would highly recommend watching it. All in all, John as a kid comes home and he tells his father, “I'm gonna be a Democrat and I'm voting for Bill Clinton." His dad responds with, “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair."

2. “Anyone who's seen my d*** and met my parents needs to die; I can't have them roaming around."

After talking about how he got cheated on, Mulaney goes on to explain how it's creepy to have an ex out there who knows so much information about you after things have ended. I died laughing when he said the above quote.

3. This:

4. His "Back to the Future" bit.

I can't even choose one quote from this sketch because the entire bit is hilarious. Mulaney goes on to talk about how the plot of "Back to the Future" must have originally been pitched and in reality how weird the plot is when you actually explain it. It's legendary.

5. On the phone with Blockbuster.

6. “Because Bill Clinton never forgets a b****."

This is the punchline of the Bill Clinton sketch, essentially, so just watch it — I promise you it is well worth it.

7. Midgets.

8. “We started chanting, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving."

As a kid, anytime you saw a McDonald's your parents had to stop. But instead, John Mulaney's father wasn't having it and decided to do one of the coolest and funniest things.

9. "In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin."

10. “One black coffee, same motherf***er."

Yes, Bill Clinton sketch again. But, what's great is how Mulaney ties previous jokes into other sketches. So when Mulaney's mom got an invitation to a fundraiser where you could meet Bill Clinton, and having told a story about how his mother knew Bill Clinton in college, she said, “We have to go see Bill!" Mulaney's father then replied with, “Why? It's not like he's gonna remember you." And after a half gasp, half laugh from the audience, Mulaney goes, “One black coffee… same motherf***er." Hilarious.

11. Opinions in school.

12. “I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a red cup, you've seen movies. And I'm standing there holding a red cup and I'm starting to black out and I guess someone said like something something police. And in a brilliant moment of word association I yelled “F*** da police!" And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk white children yelling f*** da police."

Enough said.

13. Presidential Family Feud

14. This:

15. “Because it's the one thing you can't replace."

Now, his last one may not seem funny at all as a quote, but the story Mulaney tells to set up this punchline is the greatest. If you already read the joke above, you know that Mulaney was talking about a party he went to in high school. The ending of the story was that the kid hosting the party said that someone at his party stole old antique photos of his grandmother. Two years later Mulaney's friend shows him a closet in his house filled wall to wall with old antique photos. So Mulaney goes, “Why?...Why do you do this…?" and his friend responds with, “Because it's the one thing you can't replace." And that, my friends, is quite a great story. Mulaney never fails to make me die on the floor laughing.