Mall of America has hired its first black Santa, and as Obama could tell you, being the first black ANYTHING isn’t easy. There are a number of people who are not happy about Santa being black this year, a number of people who know that Santa isn’t real, upset that they need to explain to their poor kids why Santa is, unfortunately, black this year.

If needing to explain to your kid why Santa is black is truly a harrowing experience, then here are some things to tell your kids, who probably don't even care because they saw you putting presents under the tree last year but you were too drunk to notice.

1. "Santa at the mall is a substitute Santa who only has Santa powers for 24 hours."

2. "That the black man in the chair is a Santa from an alternate reality, working at the mall until he can find a way back to his world."

3. "Santa Clause has a divorce with Mrs. Clause and gets remarried to a black woman and the Santa at the mall is his son who is now the new Santa since his dad retired."

4. "Santa isn’t real."

5. "Christmas is the season of giving so Santa being black or white isn’t relevant to how we plan on spreading goodness and cheer."

6. "Santa isn’t real."

7. "America is a melting pot of different cultures and colors of skin, so the representation of Santa that pertains to whiteness is no more a less important than that of another skin tone."

8. "Santa isn’t real."

9. "One Santa can’t deliver presents to all the children of the world by himself so there really is a secret team of Santas. The reason why we think Santa is white is because of the racial bias in the hiring process making it so that the number of black Santas has always been at a minimal, and because they don’t have Affirmative Action in the north pole. It's really just been a matter of waiting for the people who hire the Santas to get with the times."

10. "Santa isn’t real."

11. "The idea that the white Santa that we idolize in our household is somehow better or more worthy than a Santa of color is racist. A black Santa in the mall doesn’t attempt to change how we view Santa at home, which is important because when we get upset about a black, mall Santa and try to convince other people that Santa ought to be white because we believe it to be so, is Proselytism, and we don’t do that in our house Timmy."