If you're an American old enough to vote, you've probably been experiencing a sort of sinking feeling over the past few months —something similar to being at a restaurant and wondering what to get. A restaurant with an extremely short menu and rather nasty food. A restaurant where not ordering isn't even an option. While I can't really help you with this mess, I can at least educate you on another Presidential option: Vermin Supreme! Here all the facts you really wanted to know about our best Presidential candidate.
1. Yes, that is his legal name.
He changed his name to Vermin Love Supreme in the 1990s. Unfortunately, an anonymous harasser has been threatening to reveal Supreme's birth name and personal info. The politician responded with this sassy letter.
2. He is registered as a Republican
But his actual political views are somewhere between Republicanism and Libertarianism.
3. He's a movie producer and actor
A documentary about him was even featured in the Minneapolis-St. Paul film festival in 2014.
4. He was once a nuclear disarmament activist
In 1986, at age 25, he participated in the Great Peace March for Global Nuclear Disarmament.
5. He's an art school dropout
While many politicians are law school grads, Supreme dropped out of a Baltimore law school and got involved with the city's underground music scene.
6. He wants to fight the United States' "moral and oral decay"
"A country depends on its ability to bite back," he states in a speech with more dentistry-related puns than you'd expect to hear in one place. Supreme's plan includes secret dental police, dental reeducation centers, preventative dental maintenance facilities, and government-issued toothpaste containing a harmless, addictive substance.
7. He admits that "a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away."
The most honest campaign slogan yet.
8. He promotes a pony-based economy
Additionally, Supreme would provide a free pony for every American in order to create jobs and make the economy less dependent on foreign oil.
9. He is a proponent of a zombie-based energy system
Also to combat our dependance on foreign oil, Supreme promises to find an energy source in what he calls "the awesome power of zombies."
10. He finished fourth in the New Hampshire Primary
11. He once delivered his 30-second closing statement in song
I think everyone has secretly wanted to do this, but Supreme boldly ended his remarks at a presidential forum to the tune of the Chicken Dance.